The IT Complaint Out-Of-The-Box

I complain a lot. I do. But today it's about something far more worse than just that. It's about, well... read up!

Today I am going to share 5 of the hand-picked issues that my plaguing my company as perceived by some of my colleagues. The following points are true to best of my knowledge and I would try my best to quote them verbatim. 

Suggestion: Please do not kill yourself after this. There’s a lot more to come.

Complaint 1: The size of the coconut keeps on shrinking day by day. We deserve better coconuts for the amount we pay. The vendor has turned a blind eye to our requests and has been offering sub-standard coconuts for a few days now. As per my knowledge, the water inside the coconut is directly proportional to its softness. We request the food committee to look into the issue. 
(Are you fucking coco-nuts?)

Complaint 2:  Dear food committee, we request you to please increase the number of spoons in the food court. During the peak hours there are no free spoons and we have to wait for few minutes before we could get hold of one. While we are waiting for the spoons, the food turns cold. Yesterday because of this issue, I got late for my conference call and my manager asked the reason for being late. When I explained, he scolded me even more. This is embarrassing. Please add more spoons. 
(Have to seen Matrix? How many times do I have to tell you that “THERE IS NO SPOON!!”)

Complaint 3:  My office chair just like everyone else’s is a revolving recliner. But there’s this one issue, it makes a lot of noise when I revolve it repeatedly. This irritates the person sitting next to me and he stares at me like it is my mistake. Company should take the responsibility of ensuring that all the chairs are properly revolving and reclining without making unnecessary noises. I don’t want to be ill-treated by my fellows in office due to a noise making chair!! Please let me know whom should I contact to get this issue resolved. Thanks. 
(Ever heard of a phrase "G**nd tika ke baith jaa ek jagah?")

Complaint 4:  Yesterday, while I was going to the food court I heard 2 guys talking to each other, one saying to the other "Dekh teri bhabhi jaa rahi hai aage". I felt disgusted after  listening to such nonsense. Is this the kind of behavior we expect from our colleagues? We are educated people and we should respect each other. This should not be tolerated in office and we should have people like these fined if they are found saying such insensitive stuff about a girl. 
(This guy is never getting married, I can bet my life on that. ‘His’ should be hanged till death)

Complaint 5:  Heading: Eating habits

I don’t have any biases towards people from any state but there are certain things that pain me much. We see a lot of our own fellow employees eating Dosa with spoon, forks and knives. I mean wth? Dosa is meant to be eaten with your bare hands. This way it even tastes better. I was told by my mother in my childhood that if you eat Dosa with hands, it always tastes better and I have found that to be absolutely true. Not only these people are missing out on the perfect taste of Dosa, they are also disrespecting the South Indian culture. I don’t want to put a regional bias onto what kind of people indulge in such activities, but all of us have a fair idea. I would request everyone to please eat their Dosas with hands only. 
(Dear Sir, should I choke the bloody life out of you with my bare hands or cut your throat with a knife? Please let us know what your mother said. You should be DEXTERED!!)

* I KID YOU NOT. THIS SHIT IS TRUE.

Happy Propose Day! IT style

Dear Love,

With respect to the High Level Requirements discussed yesterday, please find below the first draft (in points) of the proposal. Request you to go through the same and suggest any changes that you'd like before 13th Feb'12. 

1.       Only out-of-the-box functionality will be implemented and followed for the 1st year of the relationship. Any customization like 'meeting the parents' will follow the change management process wherein both parties will have the right to terminate the contract with immediate effect. In case of any such event, both parties are entitled to one last eventful night of wild sex. 

2.       Tongue is allowed.

3.      In case you decide you ‘blow’ the system up anytime, well, you are most welcome. I say, job well done!

4.     You will be provided with gifts and surprises once a month. Any further requirement will be treated on the barter system wherein you’d be required to make up for that value, in kind.

5.      Two trips are promised during this period of 1 year.

6.      You’ll not be given access to the credit card at any point in time during this year.

7.    During arguments, you are not allowed to cry. Although, you can use sex as a weapon to win arguments.

8.    We will follow the Webster’s definition of sex. Any variation from any other dictionary or custom made by your group of friends will not be accepted.

9.      No. of times in a week >= 3 (Your choice, if greater than 3, will supersede this rule)

10.   Any discussion on the topic of marriage is strictly prohibited.

11.    Alternate Saturdays will be naked Saturdays.

12.  The contract is valid only for 1 year, but a support shoulder of 3 weeks will be provided if any party finds it difficult to cope up with the change.

13.   If any party decides to break-up, a 1 month notice period will be served. During the notice period, all the above mentioned points will be followed.

14.   In case both parties are interested to continue the relationship after 1 year, a new contract will be signed.

Request you to please send in your response before 13^th Feb. This will help in deciding whether to book a table at fine dine restaurant or sports bar for 14^th night.

  

Happy Proposal Day!