Chatting ka Punchnama

At some point or the other in life we all feel the need of standing up to what we believe and go ahead and conquer that without the fear of falling, failing or flailing. In my case, it was the feeling to stand up and choke the bloody life out of my marketing lecturer for one fucked up lecture during my MBA days. But that is just me, you see. I didn't do it, if you are wondering. Also, with time I have come to realize, it was not completely the lecturer’s fault. People ARE boring and there is no cure for that. They do wierd things; they spell ‘weird’ as ‘wierd’, but that is all part of the bigger shit that hits you when you pretend to be interested in their shit. The biggest mistake one can ever make is; pretend to be interested. Never do that. In long term, you’d want to cut yourself down to pieces for doing that. But more than anything else, I hate people who under some inexplicable peer pressure start some fucked up blog and post some bullshit where the first paragraph makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to anyone.

I am not one of them.

The purpose of this blog is to unravel the mysteries of chatting. Reason: I am a cynic. I don’t like too many friends. I like offending people. Facebook is completely fucked up. The only way I can attend to all these, is by blasting some people on internet through my blog.

So, let’s get to it.

Before I move on to the larger picture of a boy fancying his chances with a girl via online chatting and its minute details, let’s just dedicate a minute to a guy chatting with another guy; or what Zoya Akhtar would call Bromance 2.0

This is how an average conversation between 2 guys goes:-

M1 - Bhai, kaisa hai?

M2 - Bhai ek dum badiya, tu suna?

M1 – Bhai main bhi badiya.

(ek lamba sannata………..)

M2 – chal bhai main tujhe call karunga, aaram se baat karenge…chalta hu abhi

M1 – Ok theek hai, bbyee

M2( stares at ‘bbyee’ for a couple of minutes with an extremely disgusted look for the sin that M1 has committed by the mere mention of more than 1 ‘b’ and more than 1 ‘e’.

This brings us to our first rule:-

Important: For guys: Avoid saying bye, both to a guy and a girl for that matter.  If at all you feel the need for the same; restrict yourself to ‘bye’. Additional b’s and e’s are unacceptable in the online society.

Now we come to the part which chatting industry is built around, which I personally call, prepping the prospect. The points mentioned below are not suggestions. These are certain behavior patterns that I have noticed in people and my own conclusions based on them. You may disagree, but you see, I don’t generally give a fuck about what you think.

Point 1: What irritates the hell out of the other person is the initial “how are you”? If you don’t have anything better to say at first, you shouldn’t be chatting to him/her at the first place. But if you still have the khujli to do that, go to his/her Facebook account, find out the likes and dislikes or whatever, and search on the net about recent news on those topics and then ping with some interesting conversation opener.

Rule 1: Never say “how are you?” As human beings we are not supposed to worry about other people's well being. Focus on your selfish motives and carry on with your life.

Point 2: ‘Reply Time’. This is tricky business. The perfect ‘reply time’ varies from ‘immediately’ to ‘30 seconds’ (extreme case). Beyond this it is referred to as ‘dead chat’ and the person waiting now has the liberty to close the chat window and pursue further leads. Generally what I have observed is that the speed with which you reply is directly proportional to your ‘Interest Level (IL)’ in the other person and inversely proportional to the square of your ‘Successful Closure Probability (SCP)’

         Reply Time α (IL)/ (SCP) ²

Rule2: This is not a rule. This is a suggestion. ‘’Masturbate’.

Point 3: ‘Online Status’- Currently we follow these conventions; ‘Available’, ‘busy’, ‘idle’ and ‘offline or invisible’. There has already been a lot of research done regarding the first 3 statuses, if you search the net you’ll find enough if you are interested. I’ll discuss upon the last but the trickiest one ‘offline or invisible’.

Never trust the person who mostly remains on ‘invisible’ mode.

Problems:-

a) You can’t ping them. If you still do, you sound desperate

b)  When a person is online, you can easily deduce their Interest Levels by analyzing their ‘Reply Time’, which is impossible in this case. As even though you might suspect they are online, there is no hard evidence and hence no case. The other party is not liable for any emotional trauma caused.

Although exceptions are also present in this scenario. ‘Invisibility’ can often be classified as a sign of faithfulness. But this ideology is yet to be put under scrutiny and pressure situations. I have not yet reached a conclusion on this.

Rule3: Avoid chatting to people who generally stay on ‘invisible’ mode. It could mean a lot of things and in most cases, none of these things benefits you.

Point 4: Last, the world of ‘Hiiiii’, Tk Cr, Cya, C u Soon, Sleep well, Gn, smileys and lot more.

Guys while chatting don’t usually do all this. This ain’t our business. And I can say it with absolute certainty that even while chatting with a girl we don’t want to get into the trivialities of greetings and goodbyes. Personally, I hate this. If there is a possibility of seeing you soon, I’ll see you soon. Do not fuck write C U SOON at the end of every chat.

I don’t take care of myself. I absolutely don't. And I don’t even listen to my mom on this topic. What makes you think I’ll listen to you? It’s Ok once in a while but if you do it more than few notable times, you are getting blocked. If I tell you to take care, warn me. If I do it again, block. I don’t mind. But strict rules apply here vice-versa.

You get the gist right? Apply the same cynical thinking on rest of the issues and you write the rest of the article yourself. Someone just pinged me, I have to go reply.

Rule4: Nobody gives a damn about this. 


In other news: I don't like people watching TV on high volumes. If not for my flatmate doing the same right now, I'd have published the post half an hour back. Arghh!


*Added Later* 


Point 5:  Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. That’s what we have heard, and people would argue that on this very basis they can explain their respective behavior to most extents. I want to know, why has nobody ever tried to explain the behavior of a couple? You know why, because that is not fucking possible. When Mars and Venus collide; the shit it generates is equivalent to a FB status of ‘In a Relationship’. This marks the start of the most bizarre journey in a person’s life, at least as far as Chatting is concerned (that is what the post is about, remember?).

I’ll not go into microscopic details here but I would like to mention a few of my concerns here:-

      1)  WTF is a Jaanu?

    2) Jaanu, aaj kya khaaya? -> If you are concerned about my health, I’ll send you my complete medical history and will get you in touch with my family doctor, but don’t ever ask me “kya khaaya?” please. I am an IT employee; we generally eat in our office food court, Rs 40 meal (I prefer a North Indian meal, if you want the complete menu day-wise, I can arrange for that) but please don’t ask this again. We are done on this one.

  

     3) Jaanu, aaj kya pehna hai? -> Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously? What is it, some kind of virtually-simulated-sex-scene-scenario where we need to know what either of us is wearing so we know exactly what to undress? Don’t worry about that! And a conversation on this should never focus on what each of us is wearing. In fact it should be the other way round. “Aaj _____ mat pehno na jaanu, maza aayega na jaanu” (and if you are talking dirty, add as many jaanu as you want, who the fuck cares anyway)!

There is a lot of other stuff that could have been discussed here, but I am relatively less bothered by all that as of now, so I am refraining from that. If that becomes a nuisance, I’ll be back with more on this topic.

Note: Aaj maine white shorts pehni hai; grey t-shirt ke saath. Zyada detail chahiye to call kar lo.

Commitment Check : Failed !

"Alright then, lets meet up at 4:00", she said and confirmed our date. This was my first date since my break-up about an year back. I was a little nervous but tried to keep my calm by humming my favorite songs. Kind of a weird habit that, but true. Keeps my mind off things. I called her back again to confirm the movie she wanted to watch so I could book the tickets. "Whatever you like", she said. I don't really understand answers like these, the ones that put you in a spot. I don't even like watching movies for heavens sake and now she wanted me to guess her taste in movies. This is not going to go well, I thought. After 20 minutes or so I finally decided, Thor.

I left my place at 3:00. The multiplex is like 20 minutes from my place and I knew I'd be reaching too early there and would have to then wait. I don't know what but something still made me do it. 

'main karu to saala character dheela hai' , the song kept playing in my head for a while. Damn!, I know why, I said to myself. Last I remember, I was watching this song on TV before leaving and I guess I forgot to switch it off too. Not good, not good. She should be here any moment and I am thinking about my television. Think something else, think something else. 4'o clock, she hadn't arrived yet. I thought of getting myself something to eat. Hadn't had anything since morning that day. Some butter corn and chicken roll it it is then. I like chicken roll, except that they don't roll it anymore, It's more like a chicken sandwich now. I don't like sandwiches. Darn, focus! 

I don't like waiting for people at the first place and given the extreme heat of Delhi, this wait was both boring and exhausting at the same time. Add to that, I was kind of fidgety already that day. There was still some time for the movie. I noticed a couple standing next to me. I couldn't see the girl's face as it was mostly covered by her long black lustrous hair. Nice, overall.  A lot of other things were nice too, but lets just not discuss them. The guy I was not interesting in seeing for obvious reasons. Judging by all the nervousness in his voice that day, it could have been me for all I know. They were arguing over something, I realized. Not adhering to the social etiquettes and after a few minutes of eavesdropping I figured that the girl was not particularly happy about he-not-talking-about-marriage stuff. I was kind of enjoying it a little as Akanksha (my date) was not here yet. So I continued listening to their conversation trying to maintain a poker face all this while. I like poker too. Nice game. Strip poker is awesome. Ahhh Focus. Concentration is a bitch. 

Girl : Are you ever gonna talk about this or not ? We have been dating for like 3 years now, Amey. You freak out everytime I start this. We have to speak about this someday, don't we?

Amey : I know, I know, Sonia. And we'll speak about this when that day comes. Right now it does freak me out. I am not ready for marriage yet.

Sonia : Who is asking you to marry right now dammit ? What's the harm in talking to our parents beforehand. My parents have started looking around and I don't want to keep our relationship a secret to them any longer. But you have to speak to your parents before I talk to mine.

Amey : Why do I have to speak to my parents first ? Why, is that a rule or something ? (I don't like rules. My father like rules. My father is strict. Army is probably a good profession for him. But army families have to travel a lot and I don't like travel. I guess all is fine this way only). Please please (stresses), I don't want to speak about this right now.

Sonia : Not now, not ever. And I'll tell you what the rule is, go fuck yourself. I am leaving!. I am not in a mood now for the movie. 

Amey : What the fuck is wrong with you ?(He didn't actually say that but he should have. Anyways, I have always wanted to use this line on someone). Don't be an idiot. I am asking you to just give me some time.

Sonia : I am asking for the same, now. Take you time and call me only when you are ready to speak about this and when you are sure we have a future together. I need a break. 

Amey : Sonia, don't do this. All I am saying is .......................

Someone kept calling my name.... Amey...Amey..Amey!!!... It was Akanksha. She was there. She looked beautiful. I told her that. She smiled, held my hand and we went in for the movie.