Find me if you can !!

About a year back one of my friends (let’s call him X) was going through a really bad phase. 180 phase difference to be exact. Imagine, he tried drawing a right angled triangle once and it turned out to be a left angled one. Wtf? This has got to hurt man. It is rare to find people in such bad shape. All this came as a bummer to him and he decided not to indulge himself in drawing any kind of trigonometric shapes whatsoever. He worked in an interior design company ‘Tri-Go Private Limited’ their tagline is ‘we draw your lines’ (this one is for the trivia freaks). ‘Right angled triangles could sometimes be a two edged sword, it hurts when it doesn’t turn out right’, said the company HR.

‘X’, feeling humiliated after the incident decided to quit the company and start something on his own. But due to his prior commitment to the company and having had signed the lifetime bond, he unfortunately could not quit. The company, however, well verse with the mental pressure people goes through in this business, decided to give him a raise for his dedication towards the company in all these years. His in-hand salary was then made a function of the salaries of the next two highest stakeholders in the company. Let’s call them Y (male) & Z (female).

                        ______________________

X (salary) =  _/ Y (salary)^2 + Z (salary)^2

** C is the performance index. See diagram for details

  

                                   

                                 

With an exponential increase in his salary component, he suddenly became one of the most sought after commodity in the office by the fairer sex. Soon enough he was bestowed upon with the pleasures of having a girlfriend. ‘Z’- The Girlfriend (apparently was the next highest salary drawer in the company after ‘X’). The love was in the air. Everything was going just perfect until one day; X made a homemade video- MMS (which Z didn’t know of) and floated it around. The MMS was named ‘Sexy (Sec C) – X on Z!!

Z, understandably got extremely upset after this ‘pardafaash’ incident and decided to break off the relationship. X, the hypotenuse, had the most important realization of his life after that, ‘whenever you get a chance to touch the base (here, Z), Have Fun but Do Not Advertise’.

All said and done, X was actually in love with Z. His immature behavior earlier made him do stupid things but he realized the importance of Z in his life. He proposed her and asked her to marry him. After days of introspection, retrospection, inspection, Z said ‘YES’. !!!!

A year went by; it seemed as if nothing can now go wrong. But just like in any ‘Abbas Mastan’ starrer, it did. One day X left for office in the morning but never came back. Nobody knows where he went or what happened? X, just went missing.

“He always preferred Sec C and never, never ever (*insert magarmachh ke aansoo*), even tried Cos C (Any guesses about Z’s favorite movie? ‘ Women on Top’). We had our differences over the issue but never so intense that it’d make him do this “, said Z after being investigated by the CID inspector Daya and ACP Pradyuman.

Y (X’s best friend and colleague) said “I have always had my doubts regarding Z’s intention behind marrying X. She convinced X to transfer most of his property to her name after the marriage and the rest was anyways supposed to come to her according to the will (as revealed by X’s lawyer upon investigation by ‘darwaza tod do a.k.a Inspector Daya), which by the way is not less by any standards. And after that whole MMS scandal, this almost looks like revenge”. --- I quote Verbatim, believe the source at your own peril.

                                

It’s been a few months now and the police have not been able to trace any lead. I, hereby, would request the whole nation (school, colleges, students, teachers, politicians, farmers, cricketers etc.) to unite and provide their support in finding X.

Someone please FIND X!!!

An infinite loop with a loop hole !

Life is tough. I know that. I plan accordingly. What do I plan ? Well, I drink beer. WTF? you may ask. You must I say. I have seen people plan. What happens? Shit happens. So I plan to spoil myself in the process. What process ? The process is the plan, you jackass. It's a plan where I plan the processes and you, you fucking process the plans that I plan. Do I sound like Joseph Heller? Not yet. Right. Because he is a fucking genius when it comes to repetitive repetition. Read Catch-22 I say. Read it now. Go to the book store, buy that fuckawesome book and read it I say. But why in hell should you listen to me, right ? You are a genius yourself, aren't you ? But you self proclaimed one-of-a-kind-sonovabitch-genius, listen to me now. Stand up from that bean bag, wear some proper clothes you wannabe Charlie Sheen, and go to the book store and buy that fucking book. 

What? You don't know Charlie Sheen ? That 'Two-and-a-half-men' guy you dammit. The one who opens the door when your mother rings the bell. You don't fucking know about the bell either, do you ? You son-of-a-bitch, you bell-fucker-mother-son, you retarded bastard. I am telling you, Read That Book ! 

But life is so complicated. How are we supposed to handle all this crap simultaneously man ? Do I see that happening, I don't. Why don't I ?, you may ask. But you ask so many fucking questions, you crapper. You shit all over my already crapped over life and now you ask me all these fucking questions, huh ? What's up with that, you bastardical shit. I, actually, don't mind questions. What I mind is the answers. Answers are like life. They are complicated. They are so complicated that they remind me of your life running in flashbacks with my own life. Man, that sucks. But, what should we do ? I am busy. I don't have time to sort all this stufout. Forget about sorting this out, I don't even have time to read a book. BTW did I mention, that my favorite book is Catch-22. 

What's up with life anyways ? This thing sucks man. They don't give you beer for free, girls don't come cheap either these days, nobody read books now-a-days. I mean wtf dude ? One of my friend has a nice job, twice married, has a private bar, but that sonovabitch has not read Catch-22 yet. That is fucking complicated man. How is that freaking possible in today's world ?Impossible I say. But what I say, doesn't matter to you. Because you think you are right. Everyone thinks that way. But someone has got to be wrong. You all can't be right, can you be ? If all were right, why would life be so complicated. It's like everyone is wrong. That, is not possible either. Few are right, few are wrong. You have got to make your choices. So many fucking choices man these days, I don't even know that they are choices. I think of them as options. What is the difference anyways? WTF is happening man? Some retard ate some fucking apple somewhere and we have to answer these fucking complicated questions about life. I want to quit, but that is not even an option. 

They don't even give you all the options. They think you'll fuck with all the options and create some more. They are afraid of us. They are afraid of choices. Choices are like god. They give you options. But I still don't know the difference man. This fucking thing is like a black hole, its so fucking complicated. Sometimes I think they didn't even give any option to the black hole itself. They told him, you fucking nigger, you are black and you'll remain black forever. I feel for these holes at times. I do others, but I feel for these ones. You can't help it at times man. Everything is so blacked out. It's like walking alone at night. Just that, its so dark that you can't even walk properly, forget about reading a book. That sure sucks man. 

But I tell you one thing that I have learnt in the last few years. Eh, forget about it. You are not gonna listen to me anyways. That is how life is man. You know the questions, you know the answers. But you don't want to answer the answers because they are so unrelated to the questions most of the times. Fuck this shit man. This thing is COMPLICATED !


Read Catch-22 I say !!

Experiments [LIVE]

According to a recent study, it was found that 73% of the studies/findings published in the last 67 years were absurd and those research/experiments were never actually done at the first place. This is Breaking News. We can't even imagine the consequences that this would have. Forget about the consequences, imagine the causes it would have :-? (As both the writer and editor of the post I tried explaining to myself that the previous sentence is a slap on the face of my English teacher but my conscience kept reminding me of my class 7th report-card and that 'red-colored-marking'. This would be a nice return gift. Belated Happy Teacher's Day Lalitha Ma'am).

This news has affected the lives of many. Infact, one of my friends is facing an existential dilemma. Our team got in touch with him to get to the bottom of this. Excerpts :-

{
Friend : When I was young, I often asked my dad about how I was born? He always used to say that "Son, one day your mom and me were doing some experiment, which to the surprise of both of us actually went very well and after a few odd months you were born". Now, after this recent story and by extrapolating my dad's stamina during that time considering his condition in the last few years I am doubtful that experiment he boasts about was actually ever done. This brings me back to my question, How was I born ?

}

In 1961 a fashion magazine, after some research and studies, concluded in their December edition that ' Men prefers women who have bigger breasts'. In 1962, silicon implants were invented. The growth in the industry was so much so that couple of years back a leading professional from the fashion industry went ahead and said 'We should make implants compulsory'. But I guess that the bubble had to burst some day. And it did. Women around the world are now questioning the authenticity of the study done in 1961. Some have filed a petition against the fashion magazine saying that "We were misguided. We took certain life altering decision based on this study. Though they have had their fair share of benefits but these continuous back pains are just not worth all the efforts. And now since it never meant anything anyways we want our money back".

This path breaking study has revealed many a scandals and has put today's generation on the brink of being an extreme skeptic. Skepticism will now no longer be only associated with the frustrated government job professionals but would become an intrinsic characteristic in almost everyone around the world. But all is still not lost. In the words of Ambrose Bierce " It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better".  So I guess, All is well kaake, All is well !!

Au revoir !

Similarities b/w Apple Products and Girlfriends

And here it goes :-

1) You feel on top of the world when you get your first apple product and in the other case you do actually feel on top of something (don't you?).

2) Right to touch. Anyone who is not the owner or co-owner does not have the rights to be even in close proximity to both the things being discussed.

3) With reference to 'Right to Touch', you are extremely excited about the first time without much of an idea about what to do ?

4) Irrespective of how good a product you have, the one that your closest friend has looks slightly more classy.

5) As soon as a new version is launched or seen anywhere in the market, you are ready to dump the old one and run for it.

6) Both have something to do with JOBS. Some are a huge fan while some just blow him off (OMG, multiple levels of cheapness in this comment).

7) Extremely high maintenance cost involved. Only people with stable jobs ( and again ) should indulge themselves.

8) Finally, irrespective of how good the design is, the 'apple of your eye' is still half eaten.

The Randomness of a statistical self !!

According to a recent study, about 67% of the people who are not yet born will be dead by 2050. This news sent shivers down the human rights ministry who demanded their respective countries for a better average life span and decline in the mortality rate. Governments around the world are trying to explain that this is not their KRA.

This has also confused the newly married couples for the obvious reasons but condom companies are making the gold out of it with their new campaign stating ' SOS - Save our Sperms'. "The sales is estimated to increase by 300% in the next quarter" - says the CEO of Durex.

With most countries worried after this critical piece of information was published, one country that doesn't seem to be much bothered is Afganistan. Infact, the 'Happiness Index' has just gone up by 2.9% in the last 2 days. With their work cut out, and after the recent talks between Oxygen Brothers (Obama and Osama) * This lame joke was sponsored by Mr. Abhishek Sharma- director of 'Tere Bin Laden' *, the next set of BPO's will be setup in Kabul.

Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh said "We have found the solution, it's a multifold benefit campaign that we are launching 'F**k the Chinese', quite literally. The campaign is mutually agreed upon and signed. Last week we proposed the idea to the chinese government and they thought of the 2 stars in F**k as a sign of respect and admiration from India and immediately agreed and signed the documents". On probing about the logic behind this Dr.Singh said "Who wants a brown kid with slit eyes ?".

In another recent study it was found that 37% of people with less than 40 years of age by 2050 will suffer from cancer. The data from both the studies was closely studied by the data analytics companies and after hours and hours of number crunching it was concluded that somethings are better left unsaid. But given the previous trends about fewer cases of cancer in a cemetery, at least 67% not yet born people have something to cheer about.

"These research surveys have not only made it evident that we need to redesign our future set of references but have also questioned our existential design features and layouts" said the Apple CEO Steve Jobs. He also blamed the whole iPhone 4 signal reception fiasco on the fear and unpredictability in the minds of users during these prevailing crisis. According to him, no other company could ever dare to launch a product in such tense market conditions and Apple has managed to do that sucessfully. Technically, he explained about the signal reception problem, the nodes of the 'tense atmosphere waves' are at a 180 degree phase difference with the 'radio frequency' hence canceling each other out.

This is what an Apple fan said on a community forum " This is all fraud. This is Microsoft's way of getting back at Apple. They fudged all these report studies and blah blah. I will Kill Bill. ( This led to a sudden interest from the other users about the movie Kill Bill. The IMDB rating has gone up from 152 to 135 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266697/. Tarantino is inspired by this kid and to show his support for the cause has titled his next movie as 'Faster, Pussycat Kill Kill' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1276114/ )

'We-Have-A-Lot-Of-Free-Time' wing of the occult studies and histrionics department have also validated these findings. Apparently, they have decrypted the last page of the 'Nostradamus Book' and were exhilarated upon realization that it exactly matches with the findings. The department has decided to pay tribute to Nostradamus by writing an auto-biography ( ?? Autobiography?? ). When asked, they said if he was alive he'd have done the same thing. The name of this epic autobiography, as revealed by a source, would be 'Oops I did it again'-- by Nostradamus.

Someone from Bangladesh called FIFA and said ' We are now unsure whether we'd ever be able to participate in the Football World Cup, so please let us host the 2014 world cup. We have decided the official song already. It'll be called ' Dhaka Dhaka - It's time for Bangla-la-la' and have also shortlisted a couple of foreign singers ' Alka yagnik from India and Rakhi Sawant from Mars'. The official from FIFA was unaware that there's a country named Bangladesh and slammed the phone.