Letter to Shiv Ji (Part 2) : Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi !!

This post is a sequel to "Letter to ShivJi: Ladki Dilao" which I wrote about an year back. Those you haven't read that one, click here.

To: shiv.golibaaz@dassliya.com

Cc: krishna@BackInTheGame.com ; vishnu@identityfu**ingcrisis.com ; brahma@pervertpops.com; naarad@haraamkhori.com

Bcc : dhritrashtra@buddha-hoga-tera-baap.com; karan@trust-issues.com; shakunimama@dkbose.com; 

Subject: Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi hai (Ref: Ladki Dilao) !!

Yaar bhagwan, tum sunte to ho nahi 

Kitne mail likhu, reply karte to ho nahi 

Khud dhoondh lunga ab aur hota nahi wait

Tumhare chakkar me waise hi bahut ho gaya late

Ab tumse thodi si madat ki umeed karta hu 

Goli na dena is baar bas yahi fariyaad karta hu 

Thoda bahut samaan chahiye wo jaldi bhej do mujhe ab 

Merc ya Audi chalegi, scooter nahi chala sakta main ab 

Waise ek pasand aayi hai office me saath kaam karti hai 

Date pe chalne ke liye puchho to haye tauba raam karti hai 

Yaar suno aisi ladkiyo ko ab to thodi akal de daalo 

Main tab tak lukkho ki tarah ghoomu kuchh to karo saalo (sorry bhagwan kuchh aur fit nahi hua)

@Krishna 

Dekho bhai, tumhara bataya koi funda kaam nahi aaya hai 

Jisko ghumane le gaya tha, kamini ne bech ke khaaya hai 

Jeb me phooti kodi nahi aur bank account hai khaali

Laxmi ji se setting hai to bhejo gaddi hazaar waali

Achha ek aur baat karni thi mujhe tumse kaam ki 

Mail aayi thi "Testimonial likho" karke mujhe Raam ki

Ab mumma maanti hai unhe to ye likhna to padega 

Tum naraaz na hona warna mera BP aur badhega 

Krishna Ji Replied :- 

Teri setting ke chakkar me baalak 1-2 mujhe pasand aayi hai 

Barso se mere soone mann pe raunak phir chhayi hai 

Tu apni setting ki tension khud le ab, main to chala 

Abhi to meri bhi ho sakti hai, phir teri kyu sochu bhala 

Jaane se pehle ek raaz bata ke jaata hu 

Jitna tujhe bata raha hu, itna kisi ko nahi batata hu 

Zindagi me asli mohabbat kismat waalo ko bat-ti hai 

Ladki paisa gaadi se nahi, jigar waalo se pat-ti hai 

Funda bahut simple hai dost, ladki ko khush karne ka hai 

Phool le ke seedha paas jaane ka, aur nahi darne ka hai 

Thodi tareeef ke saath baat batane ka dil ki bindaas

Nahi maani to palat raasta pahuch jaa doosri ke paas

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Naarad forwarded the mail to ram@diwaliwala.com !! (f**k you naarad)

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Ram Ji Replied:

Yaar ye to badi hi galat baat hai tumhari 

Maana Sita ko nahi lagta par kuchh izzat hai hamari

Testimonial tumne nahi likhna to na likho yaar

Aise shikayat na lagao Krishna se hamari baar baar   (and now I feel bad too)

Aaj bhi Hanuman tumhare hi kaam pe gaya hai 

Main tab bhi kaha tha ki wo thoda naya hai....... time lagega

Achha suno, I don't think it's working out with Sita 

What do you suggest, bhool jaau kya purana har pal beeta ?

Dhamkiya deti hai jab bhi main Open Marriage ki baat karta hu

Raavan phir se utha ke le jaaye ab bas yahi dua karta hu (#RaavanCustomerCare)

Aur wo Testimonial isliye maanga tha, kyuki mujhe Brahma ki job ke liye apply karna hai (Brahma ji resign kar rahe hai).

Vishnu Ji Replied :-

WTF dude, didn't I mention in the last mail that I am on bench these days ? Kindly don't Cc me in any such mail again. Waise bhi kuchh kaam nahi hai, upar se mujhe ye personal issues me ghusa ghusa ke pareshaan kar daala hai.

Click here to read the next post "Reply from Shiv Ji: Ho Na Paayega!!"

An infinite loop with a loop hole !

Life is tough. I know that. I plan accordingly. What do I plan ? Well, I drink beer. WTF? you may ask. You must I say. I have seen people plan. What happens? Shit happens. So I plan to spoil myself in the process. What process ? The process is the plan, you jackass. It's a plan where I plan the processes and you, you fucking process the plans that I plan. Do I sound like Joseph Heller? Not yet. Right. Because he is a fucking genius when it comes to repetitive repetition. Read Catch-22 I say. Read it now. Go to the book store, buy that fuckawesome book and read it I say. But why in hell should you listen to me, right ? You are a genius yourself, aren't you ? But you self proclaimed one-of-a-kind-sonovabitch-genius, listen to me now. Stand up from that bean bag, wear some proper clothes you wannabe Charlie Sheen, and go to the book store and buy that fucking book. 

What? You don't know Charlie Sheen ? That 'Two-and-a-half-men' guy you dammit. The one who opens the door when your mother rings the bell. You don't fucking know about the bell either, do you ? You son-of-a-bitch, you bell-fucker-mother-son, you retarded bastard. I am telling you, Read That Book ! 

But life is so complicated. How are we supposed to handle all this crap simultaneously man ? Do I see that happening, I don't. Why don't I ?, you may ask. But you ask so many fucking questions, you crapper. You shit all over my already crapped over life and now you ask me all these fucking questions, huh ? What's up with that, you bastardical shit. I, actually, don't mind questions. What I mind is the answers. Answers are like life. They are complicated. They are so complicated that they remind me of your life running in flashbacks with my own life. Man, that sucks. But, what should we do ? I am busy. I don't have time to sort all this stufout. Forget about sorting this out, I don't even have time to read a book. BTW did I mention, that my favorite book is Catch-22. 

What's up with life anyways ? This thing sucks man. They don't give you beer for free, girls don't come cheap either these days, nobody read books now-a-days. I mean wtf dude ? One of my friend has a nice job, twice married, has a private bar, but that sonovabitch has not read Catch-22 yet. That is fucking complicated man. How is that freaking possible in today's world ?Impossible I say. But what I say, doesn't matter to you. Because you think you are right. Everyone thinks that way. But someone has got to be wrong. You all can't be right, can you be ? If all were right, why would life be so complicated. It's like everyone is wrong. That, is not possible either. Few are right, few are wrong. You have got to make your choices. So many fucking choices man these days, I don't even know that they are choices. I think of them as options. What is the difference anyways? WTF is happening man? Some retard ate some fucking apple somewhere and we have to answer these fucking complicated questions about life. I want to quit, but that is not even an option. 

They don't even give you all the options. They think you'll fuck with all the options and create some more. They are afraid of us. They are afraid of choices. Choices are like god. They give you options. But I still don't know the difference man. This fucking thing is like a black hole, its so fucking complicated. Sometimes I think they didn't even give any option to the black hole itself. They told him, you fucking nigger, you are black and you'll remain black forever. I feel for these holes at times. I do others, but I feel for these ones. You can't help it at times man. Everything is so blacked out. It's like walking alone at night. Just that, its so dark that you can't even walk properly, forget about reading a book. That sure sucks man. 

But I tell you one thing that I have learnt in the last few years. Eh, forget about it. You are not gonna listen to me anyways. That is how life is man. You know the questions, you know the answers. But you don't want to answer the answers because they are so unrelated to the questions most of the times. Fuck this shit man. This thing is COMPLICATED !


Read Catch-22 I say !!