My Job in this world is done!

My job in this world is done!

..So there's this restaurant in Basel that I often end up having my dinner at. The guy who serves food greets me everytime, sometimes by saying Namaste or Vanakkam and sometimes, Asla Walekum. I generally nod. One day he came up to me and asked in his broken English, "How should I greet you sir? I can figure out you are an Indian but not sure what language you speak or which part of India you are from either?"

I smiled, thought what to answer, and told him to greet everyone by saying something particular that is common to every Indian belief system.

Now he greets every Indian who walks in that restaurant with "Jai Tendlya"!

I can now die peacefully.

Some Thursday!

Few Weeks back, Some Thursday! It’s a surprise middle of the week holiday. Nobody has anything planned. Me neither. Not that I plan anything for normal holidays, but this one I didn't even feel like. So I had a long night sleep, which crossed all definitions of ‘a morning’, sliding towards afternoon. A few more hours and people would have declared me dead already.

But finally, I woke up at 13:00 and did what all you do when you guys wake up. It may differ in some cases, because some of you wake up in other people’s bed and you have to sneak away before the girl actually wakes up and asks you to marry her. But anyways, I did the normal routine.

@14:00 – Coffee Time

Mom, can you make a cup of coffee?

While I waited for my coffee, I switched on the TV and settled for a movie.  Selecting a movie on TV these days with 200 channels is like being in a relationship. You like the girl, but you don’t want to marry her, because you think you might get someone better. Same with movies on TV, you just never know what else might be there on some other channel.

Also, in another important life event, I recently bought a recliner which has become my second bed or the first one, I am not really sure. But, whatever! So I was reclining on this recliner (reclining on this recliner?), OK anyways, with my legs on the table in front, watching a movie. And my coffee just arrived.

*few minutes later*

Mom: Ankit...idhar aa

Me: Kya hua?

Mom: Kuchh khaayega?

Me: Kya hai?

Mom: Tikki bana rahi hu…bread ke saath sandwich type bana ke du? Nahi to burger bhi ban sakta hai?

Me: Theek hai burger bana do.

*Back to the recliner, with my coffee cup in one hand and remote in the other, watching a movie, waiting for the burger*

@14:20 - *phone rings…It’s Ajay*

Me: Haan be?

Ajay: What are you up to today?

Me: Nothing much. Any plans?

Ajay: I don’t know…but I can’t sit at home all day…Let’s Go Out.

Me: Where?

Ajay: Let’s meet up at Sector-15 market in half hour and we’ll see from there. I’ll call Amit and Ashish and ask if they wanna join.

Me: Ok Done. Aur gaadi le ke aaiyo be.

Ajay: Haan haan. Chal bye..call kariyo pahuche to.

Me: Haan ok. Milte hai wahi.

*MAMMA…BURGER MAT BANANA MAIN BAHAAR JAA RAHA HU* ……arrey kuchh to khaa ke jaaaa…..phurrrr

@15:00 – Sector-15 market.

No one has a clue as to what do we do now. So I said, let’s go eat something first and we’ll decide there, I haven’t had anything since morning.

Ashish knew of a nice South Indian place nearly, Shiv Bhojanalya, probably 10 minutes by car. So we decided to go there. On our way to that restaurant, Amit, in his newly acquired Nexus 4 decides to check up for the movie listings. 

“Guys, there’s a show of Matru ki Bijlee ka Mandola at SRS at 15:30. Chale kya? ”– he said

Everyone was up for the idea, but it meant that we can’t go to the restaurant anymore and will directly go for the mall. SRS was about another 10 minutes in a different direction from the place we were headed to currently.

Since I hadn’t eaten anything, I thought I’ll pick up something in the movie hall before the movie starts.

There are far so many malls and multiplexes in our city now, so availability of movie tickets is never an issue.

@15:30- Multiplex

We rushed towards the movie hall because Ajay didn’t want to miss the pre-movie advertisements. No one knows why? You don’t ask either!

So we asked him to carry on and we’ll join him in a minute.

Ashish went to the washroom to do the washroomy stuff. Amit and I went to the food counter to get coffee and something to eat. They didn’t seem to have many options though.

These were the following options:

Drinks: Coffee, Ice Tea, Water

Food: Sandwich, Popcorn, Burger and Donuts.

Amit ordered Coffee and Sandwich. I went for Coffee and Burger. (Someone wanted me to have Burger that day).

Amit got his order then and there, while I was handed over just my coffee and was told that the rest of the order will be delivered to my seat. Apparently, they did have the Burger ready.

Meanwhile, Ashish joined us back at the counter. But, he didn’t order anything. He never orders anything at movie theatres. Or canteens. Or Stations. Or Roadside. Ok then, moving on!

So we went inside the movie hall. It was empty, well almost. Ajay was there, of course!

@15:40 – Premium Seats

We were at the third last row. They had changed the seats for the last 4 rows recently. Premium seats, you see! I almost spill my coffee over Ajay trying to adjust on that seat. But they were really really comfortable with head-rest and shit like that.

Movie had already started by then and Ajay gave us stares. He believes that if you are late at the movies, you can never succeed in life.

I couldn't focus on the movie, because I kept turning back to look when my burger will arrive. But then immediately, something struck me and I was blown away:-

Around almost an hour and a half back, I was sitting on my batshit awesome recliner, with coffee in my hand, watching a movie, waiting for my Burger.

And now!

Life is a fucking bitch! 

No love for you.

It’s not love if it’s not twisted. It can’t be that. Love is not a cardboard puzzle where you put in a little thought and time and it will come together like a beautiful Michelangelo painting. It’s more like a game of Tetris, the difficulty level and complexity increases exponentially as you move forward in your relationship and you can never win. It’s written that way. No one comes out a winner.

We don’t fall in love. We don’t love. No one ever has, no one ever will. We have made it the most abused word possible. I am not a cynic, but that’s that. You have got to understand that we give illogical reasons to our juvenile actions by associating it with love. We do it to free ourselves of the guilt, to maintain whatever little self respect we have got, to make sure we live another day thinking I am not all waste of a human being after all. The biggest mistake we do is that we try and define love and then we add a sense of achievement to it. It’s a degradation of your soul. This is what kills you.

You pretend to be content. You pretend to be a lot of things. The problem is everyone is pretending. This pretention has become the world we live in. You think this pretention is being made worthwhile ‘coz you are loved. We make it our reason to live when there isn’t left any. We pretend to care when every other emotion inside has dried, has given way to a pathetic little afterthought, to care.

Letter to Invigilator- Pass karwado -- Part I

To: Invigilator@aap.hi.karta.dharta.com

Cc: ChilladBoys@KamineyLaunde.com

Subject: Pass karwado

Sir,

Kaam ki baat pe aane se pehle kuchh batana chahta hu

Average sa student hu, average se kam number laata hu

Kuchh aur dost hai mere, sab mere hi jaise hai

Sabki laundo ki taraf se aapko kuchh samjhana chahta hu

Mere gang ka naam ‘chillad boys’ mashhoor hai

Zindagi ka lakshya abhi humse bahut door hai

Kuchh hi to saal hai sir hamare jawani jeene ke

uske baad to zindagi jaise ek torture-tour hai

Yaad kijiye sir wo apne sunehre college ke din

Jee na paana wo mashooka ke message ke bin

Aisi haalat me koi kaise lagaye padhai me mann

Chain nahi hai din me aur raaton ki neend gayi hai chhin.

Chhoti chooti aankhon me hamare chhote chhote sapne hai

Paper university se ban ke aata hai par invigilator to apne hai

Thode hi din me sir semester exams shuru hone waale hai

Saare exam to chhodo sir, ek me bhi paas hone ke laale hai

Is baar cheating karne dena sir please

Fail hue agar to hum sab gharo me bada bura pitne waale hai

Sir, paas karwa dena. Aapki setting wo network waali professor se pakka karwa denge.

Invigilator ka Reply

To: ChilladBoys@KamineyLaunde.com

Ek number ke harami launde ho tum saare ke saare

Ek class attend nahi kari, jaane kitne bunk maare

Par tumhara letter dekh ke meri aankh bhar aayi hai

Yaad aa gayi wo 1st year ki suppli aur affair dher saare              

Wo network waali professor kasam se hai bahut maal

Sunehri zulfen, hoth shabnami, aur gaal hai laal-laal

Usse agar setting karwadi tumne meri

Phir to tumhari distinction pakki hai chaaron saal

Par setting ke saath saath kuchh aur bhi lagega is kaam me 
Ek rangeen karyakram aur Johnny Walker ho mehfil-e-shaam me
Kuchh main bhi ji lu apni jawani beeti hui
Bheeg jaane du umar thodi ek nacheez se jaam me.

Jaao aish karo!! kaam ho jaayega>

ChilladBoyz Haraamkhori scheme

Mail forwarded to Principal@bunkerCollege.com

Sir dekha hamare college me acche Invigilator ki kitni kadki hai

Ye waala saala ek to corrupt upar se kitna tharki hai

College ki izzat ka sawaal hai sir aap kuchh kijiye

Apni jeb se haath nikaliye aur bhaag-dor haath me lijiye 

Aisi mauko pe sakht kadam lena ati avashyak hai

Aapko kuchh na soojhe to aage likhe hamare upaye pe gaur kijiye.

Main aapko ye mushkil ka upaye batata hu

Sabke dil ki baat ab aapko yahi sunata hu

Lady Professors hire karo sir usme hi sabki bhalayi hai

Sab ladko ne aaj tak sirf Network ki classes lagayi hai

Aisi 4-5 aur maal professor le aao sir bhagwan aapka bhala kare

Kisi ek se aapki setting karwa denge agar zyada dikkat aayi hai

kya bolte ho sir?

TO BE CONTINUED…..

The IT Complaint Out-Of-The-Box

I complain a lot. I do. But today it's about something far more worse than just that. It's about, well... read up!

Today I am going to share 5 of the hand-picked issues that my plaguing my company as perceived by some of my colleagues. The following points are true to best of my knowledge and I would try my best to quote them verbatim. 

Suggestion: Please do not kill yourself after this. There’s a lot more to come.

Complaint 1: The size of the coconut keeps on shrinking day by day. We deserve better coconuts for the amount we pay. The vendor has turned a blind eye to our requests and has been offering sub-standard coconuts for a few days now. As per my knowledge, the water inside the coconut is directly proportional to its softness. We request the food committee to look into the issue. 
(Are you fucking coco-nuts?)

Complaint 2:  Dear food committee, we request you to please increase the number of spoons in the food court. During the peak hours there are no free spoons and we have to wait for few minutes before we could get hold of one. While we are waiting for the spoons, the food turns cold. Yesterday because of this issue, I got late for my conference call and my manager asked the reason for being late. When I explained, he scolded me even more. This is embarrassing. Please add more spoons. 
(Have to seen Matrix? How many times do I have to tell you that “THERE IS NO SPOON!!”)

Complaint 3:  My office chair just like everyone else’s is a revolving recliner. But there’s this one issue, it makes a lot of noise when I revolve it repeatedly. This irritates the person sitting next to me and he stares at me like it is my mistake. Company should take the responsibility of ensuring that all the chairs are properly revolving and reclining without making unnecessary noises. I don’t want to be ill-treated by my fellows in office due to a noise making chair!! Please let me know whom should I contact to get this issue resolved. Thanks. 
(Ever heard of a phrase "G**nd tika ke baith jaa ek jagah?")

Complaint 4:  Yesterday, while I was going to the food court I heard 2 guys talking to each other, one saying to the other "Dekh teri bhabhi jaa rahi hai aage". I felt disgusted after  listening to such nonsense. Is this the kind of behavior we expect from our colleagues? We are educated people and we should respect each other. This should not be tolerated in office and we should have people like these fined if they are found saying such insensitive stuff about a girl. 
(This guy is never getting married, I can bet my life on that. ‘His’ should be hanged till death)

Complaint 5:  Heading: Eating habits

I don’t have any biases towards people from any state but there are certain things that pain me much. We see a lot of our own fellow employees eating Dosa with spoon, forks and knives. I mean wth? Dosa is meant to be eaten with your bare hands. This way it even tastes better. I was told by my mother in my childhood that if you eat Dosa with hands, it always tastes better and I have found that to be absolutely true. Not only these people are missing out on the perfect taste of Dosa, they are also disrespecting the South Indian culture. I don’t want to put a regional bias onto what kind of people indulge in such activities, but all of us have a fair idea. I would request everyone to please eat their Dosas with hands only. 
(Dear Sir, should I choke the bloody life out of you with my bare hands or cut your throat with a knife? Please let us know what your mother said. You should be DEXTERED!!)

* I KID YOU NOT. THIS SHIT IS TRUE.