October 18, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen.....

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’13… Get Married.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, marriage would be it. The long term benefits of marriage have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my friend’s Facebook post-marriage pictures…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the beliefs and nit-pickings of your parents; oh never mind; you will not understand the efforts they put in to get you married until you become a parent. You’re exactly as fat as you imagine. And Ugly. And they know it.

Don’t worry about an educated wife; or a beautiful one, pick someone from the pictures your mom showed you or the matrimonial profiles your dad found and just get married. Marriage is helping ugly people have sex since forever.

Do one thing every day that puts your family to shame. Push them to the edge of disowning you. It’s fun.

Don’t waste your time on keeping score; sometimes you’re on top, sometimes you’re behind, sometimes you’re blowing, sometimes you’re blown…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Keep your old porn collection, throw away your old love letters if you have any.

Buy plenty of condoms. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe your kids will call you papa, and maybe they’ll call you an asshole, but why take a chance. Whatever shit you end up with, don’t berate yourself– you didn't deserve anything better.

Enjoy your body and hers, use it every way you can. Experiment all positions.

Dance. Not.
You are a guy and you’re ugly and look even uglier while dancing. Leave this senseless activity for your wife. Smile when she dances, and get her drunk. It helps.  

Have an affair.
Be nice to your wife’s friends; they are the best link to her past and the best ones for your future… if the marriage doesn't work out .....or otherwise.

Understand that your closest friends would stab you in the back sometime soon in life. Fuck them. Forget them…before they do the same. Build the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more people you know the more shit you’d have to deal with. Contact Dexter, if required.

Live in Delhi once, but leave before someone rapes you; live in Bombay once, but leave before you die of suffocation.

Accept certain inalienable truths, when you get old performance will drop, wife will philander, you too will get horny, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young performance was reasonable, girlfriend was loyal and biology respected your needs.

Respect your needs. Don’t expect anyone else to give you a hand.

Visit Thailand.
Be careful whose services you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

But trust me on the marriage…

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