October 18, 2015

Office survival

You spend 30% of your life in office. Let's make the best out of it. Before that, let's clear up one thing: You are not expected to think out of box. You are just expected to spend as much time as possible inside the box; called cubicle.

Now, let's get to some of the important components of this horrible place called 'Office'

Interview :
Do you get nervous during a job interview? Do you have trouble clearing them?
Alright then, always remember a few things :-

  • Apply for Nonsense jobs. Apply for jobs that involve talking non-sense to other people. Avoid jobs that involve lifting weights, travel at odd times, and tangible objectives. 
  • The interviewers don't know shit either. They have no clue what skill they are looking for or what personality trait would best suit the job profile. All that talk is just pure cooked up management bullshit. They just want someone who can sound smart for a total of 4 mins. And a nice haircut. A nice haircut always help. 
  • Never look happy. People who look happy always get rejected in interviews because who wants to give a job to someone who is already happy, right? LOOK SAD, extremely sad. Interviewers relate well to that. They want someone who can fit in. No one wants to disrupt office culture just because of one happy guy. Easier way to look sad is; Being sad. It's easy, try it as a way of life.
  • Spend time building your resume. But remember, your resume is not your strength. It's your weakest link to your past. It's not something you are good at, it's something you have already done and never want to do again. Don't try to build a career, that's not gonna happen. The point is to switch jobs at random interval of times with each job less horrible than the previous one. 
#ProTip : Keep the following things handy during an interview :-
  1. Blood sample
  2. Urine sample
  3. Stool sample from last 3 days
  4. List of past lovers and Reasons why you left them 
They can ask for it anytime. 

Co-workers :
Co-workers are toxic. Stay away from these people. They are mostly categorised as the following :-

  • Early birds : People who reach office early with a smile on their face. They don't have an iota of thought in their head but they make up for that by being in office for 20 hours every day. You'd often find these people organising events, get-togethers, team parties and basically they end up in resource allocation roles because they aren't good at anything else. Mostly harmless bunch, just don't crib about your boss in front of them. They are hardly trustworthy. 
  • Chirpy tweets :  When these people reach office, everybody gets to know. They are loud, imbecile and most dangerous. They don't understand the concept of privacy. Never entertain them. Never end up like them. Remember, no body listens to people who talk a lot.
BE QUIET. LOOK PISSED- No body messes with someone who remain quiet and no body blames the guy who already look pissed with the current state of affairs.

#Protip: Find a team within your company where people are even more useless than you are. It makes you look brilliant. 

Job Satisfaction :
Whenever you think you aren't getting paid enough for what you do or pretend to do, there's one sure shot way to get your motivation right back up. SHIT. Literally.

Go to the restroom, sit there for 30 minutes. Shit. When you are done, look at that piece of shit and think about how you are getting paid for that shit. Just for that piece of shit right there.

Spend that half an hour everyday in the restroom. You company is now paying you for 10 hours of time in a month just for sitting in the restroom. Shit and Tweet people. Shit and Tweet.

That sounds motivating, right?

Promotions :
Have you ever wondered why the higher management is purposeless, spineless and overall just a bunch of assholes? You'd think - they have contacts within the company, they are Yes-mens, or that they were just at the right place at the right time. WRONG.

You'd think you never want to be like them, right? WRONG.

No matter how much you hate them, you want to be just like them. Do nothing, give out orders, big corner office with your shiny name plate; you want it, you want all of it.

Let me tell you how these guys reached there and how you can reach there too. It's not a shortcut, it the only cut.


Losers suggest solutions. When your boss gives a presentation on the recent challenges that the company is facing, the people who at the end of it, raise their hands and suggest solutions end up as losers.

Winners wait. They wait ...and they wait some more for someone to carry out an analysis and suggest a solution so that they can point out its flaws and without breaking a sweat become an important contributor to that solution.

And that's it. Point out flaws. That's your secret to success.

Boss :
No one hates you more than your boss. They are the ones who have to train you. They don't get paid extra to do that either. If you act like you understood immediately, it angers them more. No one wants to believe that their job is so easy that you understood all of it within an hour.

ACT DUMB. Listen to him carefully. Say that you'll complete everything on time. Complete everything on time, irrespective of Quality. Remember, quality of work cause tension and stress. Medical research has shown that stress can kill. Don't take that chance.

ProTip: ANTICIPATE FAILURE. The most important skill you'll ever learn in your life is anticipating failure. Warn your boss about the impending failure and blame your co-workers well in advance.

Best of luck. Be successful. 

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