A Speech to Remember !!

First of all I would like to thank the condom companies for their excellent product feature that highlights “96% success rate". Though only 4% help but whatever I have achieved in life wouldn't have been possible without them (I would have loved to achieve things in life without doing the effort of being born and actually doing them, but that does sound idiotic for most parts, doesn't it?). Condom companies 'Take a bow' (well NOT actually)!!

My lovely parents, people who were absolutely sure that I will make it someday, it’s them.

Then, I would like to thank all my friends who didn't actually think of me as their friend and ignored me all throughout. I wouldn’t have realized my true potential without them. It gives me immense pleasure to see you all screwed up in life and I assure you I'll be of great help to make it any more miserable.

Next is my Girlfriend, who dumped me because my "choice of colors or something like that" was unusual. Things to consider, 

1) Reason for dumping->Choice of colors,

2) Choice was not even bad, just unusual. 

Though it looks like that you dumped me, I, hereby would want to let you know that the feelings were mutual. I was anyhow too confounded with certain things like Nail Polish Removal Tips Book, Hair Straightening after Sex guidelines, Heels that make you 15 degree inclined towards the ground (Though it has its own advantages but I would refrain myself from mentioning those here) etc...The list is actually endless.

Last but not the least, I would like to thank myself as it was impossible to achieve this without my own help and desire to win and achieve something that no one has ever dared. It took me 25 years to come to a point in life where I realized I could do this. That is when I called the Guinness World guys to record the official time of my achievement.

Record: - Continuous Sleeping for 39 days and 39 minutes.