Facebook for you, Just in case!

Welcome to Facebook. Today's agenda is to give you an educational tour on the following:-

1) Who is reading What on Washington post? And how Washington Post has become the Farmville of the Intelligentsia?

2) How many people in India are dying of hunger (Pics will be attached for added effect)? How can you help them by not wasting food? Some of these people are also suffering from cancer. You can lend support just by one 'click' on your mouse. Believe me, It works. I have tried it. We'll also take a special 10 minutes session on How to pretend to care!

3) A brief statistical journey on how many people in India are blind? If you plan to commit suicide tomorrow, make sure to pledge your eye donation first. This is very important.

4) A visual tour on How to Get Married accompanied by Pics right from 'potential sampling' to 'Honeymoon'. This can overwhelm you a little but we have pics of ugly looking missing people to bring you back to sanity.

5) If you have not bothered enough to ask your parents this since you were born, we present you a once-in-a-lifetime-oppotunity to know 'What does your name mean?'.

6) We'll also take you through some of the dowry cases and problems associated. People working in IT and have worked Onsite for an year or 2, you guys have extra cash, Help you bastards! If you don't, we'll keep showing you pics and tell you stories so you'll not be able to sleep well at nights.

7) WHY NOT TO MESS AROUND MUCH ON FACEBOOK, because there's Shiv Ji keeping an eye on everything right from the Himalayas. We have proof too.

8) Visual Representation of how Smoking is Injurious to health, just in case you have not seen the warning on the pack of cigarette ever in your life.

8) When and Who made India's national anthem as the best national anthem in the world? Mostly everything that India have, had, does, did is always the best in the world. Also, a small lesson on the difference between patriotism and being mindfuckingly Stupid.

9) We will also take you through the Facebook pics of some randomly selected people and prove that 60% of them will have a Photo Album named "Yaar Anmulle"!!

10) We'll tell you pointers about How to reply when someone just answers a question about you. This is difficult sometimes because these people are supposedly some kickass mind-readers.

11) And last would be some videos that no one was able to watch for more than 20 seconds.

Please forward this to 20 people on your friend list and you'll get the love of your life within the next 4 weeks. If you break this chain, shit hits the fan.

Happy Propose Day! IT style

Dear Love,

With respect to the High Level Requirements discussed yesterday, please find below the first draft (in points) of the proposal. Request you to go through the same and suggest any changes that you'd like before 13th Feb'12. 

1.       Only out-of-the-box functionality will be implemented and followed for the 1st year of the relationship. Any customization like 'meeting the parents' will follow the change management process wherein both parties will have the right to terminate the contract with immediate effect. In case of any such event, both parties are entitled to one last eventful night of wild sex. 

2.       Tongue is allowed.

3.      In case you decide you ‘blow’ the system up anytime, well, you are most welcome. I say, job well done!

4.     You will be provided with gifts and surprises once a month. Any further requirement will be treated on the barter system wherein you’d be required to make up for that value, in kind.

5.      Two trips are promised during this period of 1 year.

6.      You’ll not be given access to the credit card at any point in time during this year.

7.    During arguments, you are not allowed to cry. Although, you can use sex as a weapon to win arguments.

8.    We will follow the Webster’s definition of sex. Any variation from any other dictionary or custom made by your group of friends will not be accepted.

9.      No. of times in a week >= 3 (Your choice, if greater than 3, will supersede this rule)

10.   Any discussion on the topic of marriage is strictly prohibited.

11.    Alternate Saturdays will be naked Saturdays.

12.  The contract is valid only for 1 year, but a support shoulder of 3 weeks will be provided if any party finds it difficult to cope up with the change.

13.   If any party decides to break-up, a 1 month notice period will be served. During the notice period, all the above mentioned points will be followed.

14.   In case both parties are interested to continue the relationship after 1 year, a new contract will be signed.

Request you to please send in your response before 13^th Feb. This will help in deciding whether to book a table at fine dine restaurant or sports bar for 14^th night.

  

Happy Proposal Day!

Reply from Shiv Ji: Ho Na Paayega!!

Please read Letter to Shiv Ji: Ladki Dilao and Letter to Shiv Ji: Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi before this one. 

From: Shiv.sarvshaktimaan@bhagwan.com

To: Bechara Bandhu 

Cc: krishna@ladkibaazi.com; ram.diwaliwaala@ihateraavan.com; vishnu@identitycrisis.com; brahma@pervertpops.com; hanuman@puchhwaala.com

Subject: Ho Na Paayega!! 

Beta ab to tera kuchh nahi ho paayega

Akela aaya tha duniya me akela hi jaayega

Ladki ke saamne aate hi teri seeti gul ho jati hai

Wo kitne signal deti hai par tere samajh ek nahi aati hai

Commitment ke naam se hi tujhe paseena aane lagta hai

Wo  paas aati rehti hai aur tu door jaane lagta hai

Kisi ki naak tedi hai, koi roti to koi hasti zyada hai

Ulte seedhe bahane deta hai jaise tu bada shehzaada hai

Ab ladkiya nahi banti humse low treble (trouble) aur high bass waali

Jo hai jaisi hai kaam chala, nahi hobby dhoondh le koi time pass waali

Ab aur mail na likhna mujhe main waise hi bada pareshaan hu maan lo

Parvati ne vish pi liya tha 2 din pehle, kehti “Girls are best jaan lo baat ye maan lo” #FML

Krishna Ji ka Reply:-

Oye, bahut maal hai duniya me tu ghabra mat dude

Ye Shiv pagla gaya hai, faltu me ho raha hai rude

Aankhen kamzor ho gayi thi, idhar udhar takrata girta hai

Teesri aankh gayi tel lene, filhaal to chashma laga ke phirta hai.

Tu tension na le mere padhaye paath hamesha yaad rakhna

Zindagi jeene ke liye bani hai, kar jo karna hai koi gam na rakhna

Mujhe resource management se hata diya hai aaj kal

Isliye kuchh kar nahi paaya

Nahi to tu mera favorite bhakt hai aur

Line me hoti tere liye  Shikha, Shweta aur Maaya!

2012 apocalypse prediction ki wajah se yaha mahual tense hai 

Vishnu ki fati padi hai aur Ram kehta hai ki sab non-sense hai 

Aaj kal time nahi hai kisi ke paas tumhari fariyaad sunne ka !!

Agar bach gaye to 2013 me yeh mission phir se shuru karenge! chillax ok.

Ram ji ka reply (To Shiv Ji and me) :-

Shiv, ye kya bachpana  va behudgi hai yaar

Is ladke ke letter me recommendation thi chaar

Kya main puchh sakta hu isko ab tak ladki kyu nahi di

Why this kolaveri Shiv, Why this kolaveri, di?

@Bechara Bandhu:

Jaise tumne dekha hoga ki mujhme bahut change aaya hai 

Baat karne ka dhang changed hai aur thoda fun paaya hai

Waisa hi fun main teri life me kar dunga

Shiv ne agar kuchh nahi kiya, to ann shann kar dunga!

Vishnu Ji ka reply :-

Baalak jaise ki tum jaante ho ki mere paas kuchh kaam nahi hai. Aur logo me mere baare me jaan-ne ka bhi interest ab naa ke barabar hai. Agar TV/media industry kisi ko jaante ho to Vishnu based serial ka idea pitch karo yaar please :) Thanks in advance :D

Priceless!

I had a professor once who used to speak & write in alliterations & in a language that I am supposed to believe, was English. May be he is still the same. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I hardly ever understood a word of what he said except for nouns and prepositions. Because not only he used to speak in alliterations, his fucking vocabulary could easily put even some of the most sophisticated and brilliant writers to shame. The funniest of all was when; once he attended one of our batch parties where an insignificant being like me had a performance scheduled. It all went well until the next day he stopped me on the stairs and said something, which by his expressions seemed as if he was appreciating my performance the other day, but it could easily have been the reminder that I am yet to submit my weekly assignment. What do I know?

There is a reason I am telling you all this. I recently met a girl exactly like my professor. Don't get me wrong, I am referring him only and only with respect to his obsession I explained earlier. She's a friend of mine. If not for this habit, she could easily be the perfect girl friend material. That twinkle in the eye, killer smile, nose ring, hot as shit, and horny! But damn this alliteration ruined it all. The difference this time is, I am able to comprehend what she is saying, but I don’t want to. She speaks rubbish and it's irritating. The problem is that it has gone beyond just alliteration.  Her vocabulary is far too sophisticated and extensive for my liking. When I say my day was bad, all I want is sex, not some 1100 synonyms to explain the same feeling.

(To all my younger brothers and sisters reading this, please ignore the previous sentence. We don’t do stuff like this in our family ok. We are magic people, remember? Be good. And 1 more thing, DO NOT READ MY BLOGS. It’s all a lie, just to get some followers. You will understand this when you grow up. Now go and prepare for your Unit Test tomorrow. Bye)

Yeah back to reality!

So I decided that I’ll tell her about this annoying habit of hers the next day. But, the next day, she wore this white embroidered suit with a blue stole, a clip on the hair to hold them back from one side, the other side falling over her eye which she’d fling back with her fingers ever so lightly. Ahh god damn it, here I am, came to tell her how annoying she can be at times, but falling in love instead. I couldn’t do it; couldn’t even say a word. But a solution needs to be found. And then, right at that moment, the perfect solution hit me. Ear Buds.

To take her out for a nice evening dinner & drinks: Rs 5000

To not be able to listen to a word she says: Priceless

A little bit of EVIL in my life!

Am I a good person? I don’t think so. Doesn’t appear like that to me. But I haven’t done much worse either. More or less it’s been a balanced life. What got me thinking though was the fuck load of a discussion 2 guys were having about Heaven and Hell on a bus journey from my one office campus to the other, sitting next to me, a few days back. But those were puerile discussions, it was like listening to Harbhajan and Sreesanth discussing rising prices of tomatoes. It was going nowhere. I didn’t gain much out of it, so I started building some blocks on my own.

Heaven, for me, is like getting into a highly reputed institute, where 85% seats are reserved for lower castes as they didn’t get enough opportunities in their lives to organize aartis, bhajans, havans and the likes. So they’d now have to do it face to face. That is, praise thy lord. Heaven, if such a thing really exists, I am sorry to be the one to bring this to you, but most of us are not going to make the cut. But, do we really need to? And if yes, what does it depend upon? I would assume it has something to do with goodness of a being.

Goodness but, is nothing more than a beautifully flawed concept. As they say, ‘the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist’’. Well, he does exist and it’s called Goodness, righteousness, morality, integrity and everything that you have ever thought of to be of any good. God, in fact, wants us to be wicked.

According to Newton’s 3^rd Law; every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And if that’s true, which I guess most people consider it to be, the chivalry, the selflessness, the philanthropy, and in fact every deed of moral righteousness and integrity that you perform attracts an equal and opposing act of loutishness, self-centeredness,  wickedness and the so called terrorist acts of the world. Actio et reactio. Now would I want this world to go through that tragedy, destruction and dismal performances by mortal beings, I ask myself? No, absolutely not! Especially when my actions determine how things pan out around me.

Just because someone lured us with the notion of heaven, doesn’t mean I go around helping strangers, be nice to them, when clearly it has dire consequences. Who knows what form the opposite reaction might take? It could take the form of a suicide bomber, although the intensity has to be the same as that of the action, so probably they’ll not blow up the twin towers, rather blow up the fictional twin towers from Lord of the Rings which would be heartbreak for millions of fans around the world. That counts for something. Right?

Not that I don’t want to be good now or that I don’t want to help people around. I do. And that is exactly why I shouldn't. Because I put something positive out there in the world, someone else has to balance it out with something completely opposite. It would make someone meaner and rude. I don’t want that now, do I? I care about the world enough to not give a shit anymore.

For every particle; there’s anti particle. For every matter; there’s anti matter.

For every girl I ever loved, I had my heart broken.

For every glorious cricket shot I played, someone tried to kill me with a fucking beamer.

For everything that you DO, there's someone who does the opposite. 

This brings us to the most important and the path breaking question of our lives. The corollary!! If every action has an equal and opposite reaction and every positive action has a negative reaction associated; then clearly, every negative action is bound to induce and stimulate a positive chain of events and actions.

Now if you think of it, it is a revolutionary idea. The more you destroy, the more people will attempt to build. The more you disintegrate and disrupt, the more people will join hands to fight it. What defines the level of positive change is directly proportional to the levels of harm done. History has been a proof of this. Crimes are single handedly responsible for most of the technological advancements in the world. It forced geeks, who retort to a laid back attitude after a minor success in the world of technology, to comeback with a brilliant idea that could fucking blow your mind. Advancements are the reaction and Criminals acts as a catalyst.

During World War II, US dropped bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and Japan surrendered on 15^th August 1945. But that is just half a story. What followed was a period of record economic growth for 45 continuous years for Japan, something that the world has never seen before. And this is just one example, there are many more. We are just interpreting the messages wrong all this time.

If an act, even though negative, can bring about a positive reaction in the world then I am going to be a part of it. And you all should be too. This is our chance to make peace in the world by destroying as much possible within our powers.

Sacrificing my own chances of a door to heaven is the only choice I have got left which my conscience would allow. My goal is as lucid as it has ever been. I can imagine the change molding into something people have always dreamt of. World Peace!  And the way to world peace is destruction. Self annihilation. Ruthlessness. Brutality. The only difference between a hero and a villain is press coverage. I am ready to take that leap of faith into the dungeon of ignorance and self loathing, just because it brings a change in your life. I don’t want the press coverage. I want change. I am going to make your life better, by trying my best to devoid you of any life whatsoever.  I am going to be your HERO and the world’s VILLAIN. I am the key that take you to heaven.

I am going to be a criminal. I am going to be a scoundrel. I am going to get EVIL. Also, they often seem to possess cool gadgets, sexy cars, girls in bikinis around, magic wands, boundless stocks of alcohol and what not. What if not Heaven? Hell is the closest thing they have got to themselves. See ya there.

There, I just killed a mosquito. Bam!