I Like Strangers !!

I like strangers. I really do. In my list of people I like the most, I don’t even know the Top 5 ones. But they are the best. They know I don’t like talking much, so they never call. Even if I call, they act as if they don’t recognize me and then yell ‘wrong number’ a couple of times, call me an idiot and slam the phone. Classy isn’t it? I am not certain why they do that but I have a feeling it’s in my best interest.  I just love them. In fact so much that I sometimes dream about them.

I like dreaming too. Sometimes, when I am unable to sleep, I dream. Just for the heck of it you know, to piss sleep off. If I was given a choice to be in command over my dreams, you know who I’d ban from my dreams? Relatives!! - They ALWAYS ask you about the same 5 things. Even in dreams. 1) How’s health? 2) How’s work? 3) When are you coming back home? 4) Why do you never call? 5) When are you getting married? – Strangers on the other hand, take you as you are. They believe in you. They never ask these stupid questions. I’d like my relatives to meet these strangers someday. May be they’d learn a couple of things and some more.

Smile is a magnificent thing. I like people smiling. That’s why I like friends. They smile when they look at you. What I don’t like is what they do right after they smile. They come and talk. I don’t like that one bit. They come, they talk, make you feel like you are important to them, and tell their fucked up love stories, then ask whether you had lunch and stuff like that. As if you ought to know all this, always. Strangers don’t do that. They look at you, smile and move on. You see, that’s what I am talking about.

Know whom I like the most? Myself. If only Shahid Kapoor had said “main apna favorite hu” in Jab we met, I might have given you a better reference point. But anyways, I like myself. Things I do, the way I do it. What I don’t like is the fact that sometimes I am accountable to myself. I am disgusted at that. Sometimes there are situations when I am trapped between the desire to do something and the invariable internal strife from my own Tyler Durden asking me not to act on it. Just that, in this case Tyler is a fucking moral righteousness agent who makes me feel like I am some crazy evil son of a bitch. That’s why I want to move away. Like strangers do. I want to do it to myself.

I would just like to drift, shift away from myself, at a calm place, smile, dream with my eyes wide open to let the sleep fall from the corner drop by drop, taking my identity away with it, and would help me just become, A Stranger.

Marriage and Fucktardedness!

This post is for all those who recently got married or will be getting married in near future. I don't have any experience of how the mental state of a couple gets affected post-marriage but I do have some sample data collected in the last couple of years, courtesy some friends (read acquaintances) on Facebook. I have some advice to dispense here now. Not that anyone likes to be advised but enough is enough. I am tired of being dragged into your personal lives by the means of photos, updates, links, babies, photo contests and blah! Please listen to me; it’s for your greater good. 

1) Photos- We get it. You are getting married. You don't need to put up all the pics from roka to engagement, mehandi, pre-wedding, wedding, reception et all. I don't know your family and have no interest of doing so either. There is a reason I didn't come to attend the marriage. So, unless your younger sister is sexy as shit, please don't upload those mind-fucked pics. But you still won't listen, I know. Do us a favor at least. Don't just dump the whole fcuk album out there, make the effort of selecting a worthy few and then put it up you jackass.

Also, your honeymoon is your honey-fucking-moon. We know you fucked. Unless you made a tape and are willing to share, don't mess up my Facebook account with 157 photos of your trip and all of them being cheesy kinks. The sheer number of pics you guys take of yourself by that auto-click (that too in the hotel bedroom), just makes me wonder what is it that you actually got married for? Photos? Seriously?

2) The messed-up-name theory- I don't get it okay. I seriously don't. Whats up with this you take my name, I take your name stuff?. According to you, if I get married to a Priya or a Pooja, I should name myself Ankit Pooja Arora. Are you fucking kidding me? This is not all. Some of you take this even further. You dickheads decide to have common social networking accounts. Just one question here, what happens in case you guys get divorced. Who gets to keep the account? May be there’s a prenuptial agreement or something to include this, “Honey, I get to keep the kids, you’ll handle the social faux pas”.  I get the ‘love’ and all that crap people do in love. But this? Whom do you do it for anyways? Didn't you just show your love for each other by getting married? I am pissed off at this fuck-all infinitum. If you don’t see this is as sheer stupidity, then do whatever the fuck you gotta do. Wear each other's underwear for all I care. 

                                                                                                 

3) Not all kids are cute - This is not your fault actually. This is hardwired I guess. A new born baby has got to be beautiful, cute, sweet and all that, Right? Look at him, isn’t he cute?, isn’t he?- Abso-fucking-lutely (To fellow Pissed off people: The best way to diplomatically handle this situation is to say, “He/She looks just like you, No seriously, just like you”, now whatever that means). Is this not enough that we say all these nice stuff when he/she is born that you go ahead and make your kid participate in who’s the cutest contest?, WTF? I bet in future your kid will make you participate in who is more retarded, my mom or my dad contest?

But I seriously believe, it's not all your fault on this one. I mean, I have never seen someone pointing it out either. Imagine someone saying "Holy crap dude! This is your son? Jeez. He looks like shit man. I didn't know God even makes them like these anymore. How did you do it? Did you keep on changing the positions while doing it? His face looks kind of twisted man". 

4) Contests - Who the fuck are you, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Why do you keep participating in all these contests guys? If you think you are the perfect couple, good for you. Why do you need that constant affirmation from your friends on that? Bring this to an end alright. I ask this nicely because couples like to hear and believe that they look perfect together, may be you do or may be you are just fucktardically stupid. Who am I to say? I’ll pray to whomsoever required, will bribe if need be, to make you guys win if that ensures a once and for all end to this.

5) PDA - I swear on my newly bought Apple iTouch that if there's one thing I can't stand, it’s PDA! More so, if you are already married. I get it when I see a 3rd year engineering guy cozing up with a 2nd year DU chick at central park. I do. These guys are short of space. But you? You guys are married for fuck's sake. Show some decency. That's all I ask.

This is it for now. Have a happy married life.

To,

Future Mrs. Arora.

Please don't be mad at me after reading this post. I promise, I'll let you upload all these stupid pics and stuff wherever and whenever you like. I’ll change my name to Samantha, Simran, Sunita, Anita, whatever the fuck you ask. We'll name our babies (I say babies, my only wish) as derivatives of your name, so they'll automatically be cute and all that. We'll participate in all these contests too and will send requests to the complete friends list to like our entry. And last, we'll make love in that fucking central park if that’s what you want. I love you Mrs. Arora, in advance. 

Yours truly, 

Mr. (fill whatever you like) Arora

Letter to Shiv Ji (Part 2) : Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi !!

This post is a sequel to "Letter to ShivJi: Ladki Dilao" which I wrote about an year back. Those you haven't read that one, click here.

To: shiv.golibaaz@dassliya.com

Cc: krishna@BackInTheGame.com ; vishnu@identityfu**ingcrisis.com ; brahma@pervertpops.com; naarad@haraamkhori.com

Bcc : dhritrashtra@buddha-hoga-tera-baap.com; karan@trust-issues.com; shakunimama@dkbose.com; 

Subject: Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi hai (Ref: Ladki Dilao) !!

Yaar bhagwan, tum sunte to ho nahi 

Kitne mail likhu, reply karte to ho nahi 

Khud dhoondh lunga ab aur hota nahi wait

Tumhare chakkar me waise hi bahut ho gaya late

Ab tumse thodi si madat ki umeed karta hu 

Goli na dena is baar bas yahi fariyaad karta hu 

Thoda bahut samaan chahiye wo jaldi bhej do mujhe ab 

Merc ya Audi chalegi, scooter nahi chala sakta main ab 

Waise ek pasand aayi hai office me saath kaam karti hai 

Date pe chalne ke liye puchho to haye tauba raam karti hai 

Yaar suno aisi ladkiyo ko ab to thodi akal de daalo 

Main tab tak lukkho ki tarah ghoomu kuchh to karo saalo (sorry bhagwan kuchh aur fit nahi hua)

@Krishna 

Dekho bhai, tumhara bataya koi funda kaam nahi aaya hai 

Jisko ghumane le gaya tha, kamini ne bech ke khaaya hai 

Jeb me phooti kodi nahi aur bank account hai khaali

Laxmi ji se setting hai to bhejo gaddi hazaar waali

Achha ek aur baat karni thi mujhe tumse kaam ki 

Mail aayi thi "Testimonial likho" karke mujhe Raam ki

Ab mumma maanti hai unhe to ye likhna to padega 

Tum naraaz na hona warna mera BP aur badhega 

Krishna Ji Replied :- 

Teri setting ke chakkar me baalak 1-2 mujhe pasand aayi hai 

Barso se mere soone mann pe raunak phir chhayi hai 

Tu apni setting ki tension khud le ab, main to chala 

Abhi to meri bhi ho sakti hai, phir teri kyu sochu bhala 

Jaane se pehle ek raaz bata ke jaata hu 

Jitna tujhe bata raha hu, itna kisi ko nahi batata hu 

Zindagi me asli mohabbat kismat waalo ko bat-ti hai 

Ladki paisa gaadi se nahi, jigar waalo se pat-ti hai 

Funda bahut simple hai dost, ladki ko khush karne ka hai 

Phool le ke seedha paas jaane ka, aur nahi darne ka hai 

Thodi tareeef ke saath baat batane ka dil ki bindaas

Nahi maani to palat raasta pahuch jaa doosri ke paas

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Naarad forwarded the mail to ram@diwaliwala.com !! (f**k you naarad)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ram Ji Replied:

Yaar ye to badi hi galat baat hai tumhari 

Maana Sita ko nahi lagta par kuchh izzat hai hamari

Testimonial tumne nahi likhna to na likho yaar

Aise shikayat na lagao Krishna se hamari baar baar   (and now I feel bad too)

Aaj bhi Hanuman tumhare hi kaam pe gaya hai 

Main tab bhi kaha tha ki wo thoda naya hai....... time lagega

Achha suno, I don't think it's working out with Sita 

What do you suggest, bhool jaau kya purana har pal beeta ?

Dhamkiya deti hai jab bhi main Open Marriage ki baat karta hu

Raavan phir se utha ke le jaaye ab bas yahi dua karta hu (#RaavanCustomerCare)

Aur wo Testimonial isliye maanga tha, kyuki mujhe Brahma ki job ke liye apply karna hai (Brahma ji resign kar rahe hai).

Vishnu Ji Replied :-

WTF dude, didn't I mention in the last mail that I am on bench these days ? Kindly don't Cc me in any such mail again. Waise bhi kuchh kaam nahi hai, upar se mujhe ye personal issues me ghusa ghusa ke pareshaan kar daala hai.

Click here to read the next post "Reply from Shiv Ji: Ho Na Paayega!!"

Facebook is my Mom; Twitter is my Dad !

The moment I log-on to Twitter, I can hear my dad shouting  "Look at all those kids, look how many of their tweets are getting re-tweeted by people all around the world and look at you! You don't even have enough followers to begin with. Wasting life sitting in front of laptop doing nothing (I love it when my dad speaks the Twitter language). You know,  my colleague Bhatia ji tells me that her daughter has 4500 followers on Twitter". The trick now is to stop listening and think about Bhatia uncle's daughter. Partly because I have had enough of what Twitter has to say and partly because I can't tell my dad that his colleague's daughter is one fuckawesome piece of hotness and hence, the no. of followers (not to mention that I am one of them). 

Facebook is different. Once I posted this on Facebook "Reached home early today from office" and bam!! 11 'likes' and 8 comments within a blink of an eye. People I don't remember adding to my friend list, people I didn't know even existed, people who have no idea how far is my home from office (just 5 mins walk, btw), and people who just like everything I post, they are all there for support. No matter what I do on Facebook, there is someone always there to like it. Reminds me of maa. I come home early, come late, fail an exam, top one, get into a fight with someone, give peace lessons in school, it does not matter. She loves me irrespective of what I am, what I could have been, what I can be or even if I become a member of Al-Qaeda (to fellow bloggers, see this is how SEO works). No, not Al-Qaeda, that was just too much. 

Your mom sets short term goals for you; that, you get through your day happily and sleep well at night is her major concern every single day. Facebook wants that for you too. Their whole business model is to convince people that "You don't know how many friends you have, we know it better". So, friends you may know, friends of friends you may know, photographs your friends commented on, photographs they did not comment on but should have, Facebook gives you all. Kind of like your mom sending you pics of random girls some random people suggested to her, hoping you'd just look at one of them and say "here it is, future Mrs. ____" !! 

My dad is the complete opposite. He is like a boys' hostel warden who'd never let any girl walk into the hostel. Ever. And for all my friends he does not like there's an altogether different plan. "He who comes back after being thrown out of the house insulted, is a real friend", thats his theory. Beat that now. A perfect recipe for a tragic childhood. That's what Twitter does to you too, it puts you in an auto-screening mode where you end up following people that your dad would have wanted you to. No bullshitting around whatsoever. Twitter has a long term plan for you. It says "Nothing comes in this world for free, not even followers. Improvement is the key". All a dad ever wants for his son is a little hope; hope, that one day his son will be the Greatest in some field. Not a bad thought actually, but look at me, do I look like I could ever be the greatest in anything except, if given a chance, sleeping. Clearly, my dad does not have realistic goals. 

My mom isn't a realist either. She is a believer. "Bhagwan me vishwas rakho" is like one of her favorite lines. Believes what she has to believe in. Thinks that I am the most intelligent/handsome/creative/funny guy in my whole group of friends but sometimes I am just not working to my potential. That's the world she lives and believes in. At times I want to live in that world too. That is when I log on to Facebook. Chat with someone, look into few videos copied from youtube all of them titled 'funniest video ever', browse though friend's honeymoon pics, post which is a period of ROFLMAOing for while (If collated, someone can make a TV series out of all these pics 'How my friends became dads or atleast tried to!' or may be a show on AXN 'Top 50 scenes from 'THE BIG BANG THEORY'), make sarcastic remarks on some, and then log off just when it starts to become a little overwhelming. 

Mom thinks I am intelligent, Dad thinks I am going to be some day. I think, they both are wrong. Clearly, they have no idea what sites I visit the most !

Commitment Check : Failed !

"Alright then, lets meet up at 4:00", she said and confirmed our date. This was my first date since my break-up about an year back. I was a little nervous but tried to keep my calm by humming my favorite songs. Kind of a weird habit that, but true. Keeps my mind off things. I called her back again to confirm the movie she wanted to watch so I could book the tickets. "Whatever you like", she said. I don't really understand answers like these, the ones that put you in a spot. I don't even like watching movies for heavens sake and now she wanted me to guess her taste in movies. This is not going to go well, I thought. After 20 minutes or so I finally decided, Thor.

I left my place at 3:00. The multiplex is like 20 minutes from my place and I knew I'd be reaching too early there and would have to then wait. I don't know what but something still made me do it. 

'main karu to saala character dheela hai' , the song kept playing in my head for a while. Damn!, I know why, I said to myself. Last I remember, I was watching this song on TV before leaving and I guess I forgot to switch it off too. Not good, not good. She should be here any moment and I am thinking about my television. Think something else, think something else. 4'o clock, she hadn't arrived yet. I thought of getting myself something to eat. Hadn't had anything since morning that day. Some butter corn and chicken roll it it is then. I like chicken roll, except that they don't roll it anymore, It's more like a chicken sandwich now. I don't like sandwiches. Darn, focus! 

I don't like waiting for people at the first place and given the extreme heat of Delhi, this wait was both boring and exhausting at the same time. Add to that, I was kind of fidgety already that day. There was still some time for the movie. I noticed a couple standing next to me. I couldn't see the girl's face as it was mostly covered by her long black lustrous hair. Nice, overall.  A lot of other things were nice too, but lets just not discuss them. The guy I was not interesting in seeing for obvious reasons. Judging by all the nervousness in his voice that day, it could have been me for all I know. They were arguing over something, I realized. Not adhering to the social etiquettes and after a few minutes of eavesdropping I figured that the girl was not particularly happy about he-not-talking-about-marriage stuff. I was kind of enjoying it a little as Akanksha (my date) was not here yet. So I continued listening to their conversation trying to maintain a poker face all this while. I like poker too. Nice game. Strip poker is awesome. Ahhh Focus. Concentration is a bitch. 

Girl : Are you ever gonna talk about this or not ? We have been dating for like 3 years now, Amey. You freak out everytime I start this. We have to speak about this someday, don't we?

Amey : I know, I know, Sonia. And we'll speak about this when that day comes. Right now it does freak me out. I am not ready for marriage yet.

Sonia : Who is asking you to marry right now dammit ? What's the harm in talking to our parents beforehand. My parents have started looking around and I don't want to keep our relationship a secret to them any longer. But you have to speak to your parents before I talk to mine.

Amey : Why do I have to speak to my parents first ? Why, is that a rule or something ? (I don't like rules. My father like rules. My father is strict. Army is probably a good profession for him. But army families have to travel a lot and I don't like travel. I guess all is fine this way only). Please please (stresses), I don't want to speak about this right now.

Sonia : Not now, not ever. And I'll tell you what the rule is, go fuck yourself. I am leaving!. I am not in a mood now for the movie. 

Amey : What the fuck is wrong with you ?(He didn't actually say that but he should have. Anyways, I have always wanted to use this line on someone). Don't be an idiot. I am asking you to just give me some time.

Sonia : I am asking for the same, now. Take you time and call me only when you are ready to speak about this and when you are sure we have a future together. I need a break. 

Amey : Sonia, don't do this. All I am saying is .......................

Someone kept calling my name.... Amey...Amey..Amey!!!... It was Akanksha. She was there. She looked beautiful. I told her that. She smiled, held my hand and we went in for the movie.