Letter to Shiv Ji (Part 2) : Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi !!

This post is a sequel to "Letter to ShivJi: Ladki Dilao" which I wrote about an year back. Those you haven't read that one, click here.

To: shiv.golibaaz@dassliya.com

Cc: krishna@BackInTheGame.com ; vishnu@identityfu**ingcrisis.com ; brahma@pervertpops.com; naarad@haraamkhori.com

Bcc : dhritrashtra@buddha-hoga-tera-baap.com; karan@trust-issues.com; shakunimama@dkbose.com; 

Subject: Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi hai (Ref: Ladki Dilao) !!

Yaar bhagwan, tum sunte to ho nahi 

Kitne mail likhu, reply karte to ho nahi 

Khud dhoondh lunga ab aur hota nahi wait

Tumhare chakkar me waise hi bahut ho gaya late

Ab tumse thodi si madat ki umeed karta hu 

Goli na dena is baar bas yahi fariyaad karta hu 

Thoda bahut samaan chahiye wo jaldi bhej do mujhe ab 

Merc ya Audi chalegi, scooter nahi chala sakta main ab 

Waise ek pasand aayi hai office me saath kaam karti hai 

Date pe chalne ke liye puchho to haye tauba raam karti hai 

Yaar suno aisi ladkiyo ko ab to thodi akal de daalo 

Main tab tak lukkho ki tarah ghoomu kuchh to karo saalo (sorry bhagwan kuchh aur fit nahi hua)

@Krishna 

Dekho bhai, tumhara bataya koi funda kaam nahi aaya hai 

Jisko ghumane le gaya tha, kamini ne bech ke khaaya hai 

Jeb me phooti kodi nahi aur bank account hai khaali

Laxmi ji se setting hai to bhejo gaddi hazaar waali

Achha ek aur baat karni thi mujhe tumse kaam ki 

Mail aayi thi "Testimonial likho" karke mujhe Raam ki

Ab mumma maanti hai unhe to ye likhna to padega 

Tum naraaz na hona warna mera BP aur badhega 

Krishna Ji Replied :- 

Teri setting ke chakkar me baalak 1-2 mujhe pasand aayi hai 

Barso se mere soone mann pe raunak phir chhayi hai 

Tu apni setting ki tension khud le ab, main to chala 

Abhi to meri bhi ho sakti hai, phir teri kyu sochu bhala 

Jaane se pehle ek raaz bata ke jaata hu 

Jitna tujhe bata raha hu, itna kisi ko nahi batata hu 

Zindagi me asli mohabbat kismat waalo ko bat-ti hai 

Ladki paisa gaadi se nahi, jigar waalo se pat-ti hai 

Funda bahut simple hai dost, ladki ko khush karne ka hai 

Phool le ke seedha paas jaane ka, aur nahi darne ka hai 

Thodi tareeef ke saath baat batane ka dil ki bindaas

Nahi maani to palat raasta pahuch jaa doosri ke paas

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Naarad forwarded the mail to ram@diwaliwala.com !! (f**k you naarad)

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Ram Ji Replied:

Yaar ye to badi hi galat baat hai tumhari 

Maana Sita ko nahi lagta par kuchh izzat hai hamari

Testimonial tumne nahi likhna to na likho yaar

Aise shikayat na lagao Krishna se hamari baar baar   (and now I feel bad too)

Aaj bhi Hanuman tumhare hi kaam pe gaya hai 

Main tab bhi kaha tha ki wo thoda naya hai....... time lagega

Achha suno, I don't think it's working out with Sita 

What do you suggest, bhool jaau kya purana har pal beeta ?

Dhamkiya deti hai jab bhi main Open Marriage ki baat karta hu

Raavan phir se utha ke le jaaye ab bas yahi dua karta hu (#RaavanCustomerCare)

Aur wo Testimonial isliye maanga tha, kyuki mujhe Brahma ki job ke liye apply karna hai (Brahma ji resign kar rahe hai).

Vishnu Ji Replied :-

WTF dude, didn't I mention in the last mail that I am on bench these days ? Kindly don't Cc me in any such mail again. Waise bhi kuchh kaam nahi hai, upar se mujhe ye personal issues me ghusa ghusa ke pareshaan kar daala hai.

Click here to read the next post "Reply from Shiv Ji: Ho Na Paayega!!"

Facebook is my Mom; Twitter is my Dad !

The moment I log-on to Twitter, I can hear my dad shouting  "Look at all those kids, look how many of their tweets are getting re-tweeted by people all around the world and look at you! You don't even have enough followers to begin with. Wasting life sitting in front of laptop doing nothing (I love it when my dad speaks the Twitter language). You know,  my colleague Bhatia ji tells me that her daughter has 4500 followers on Twitter". The trick now is to stop listening and think about Bhatia uncle's daughter. Partly because I have had enough of what Twitter has to say and partly because I can't tell my dad that his colleague's daughter is one fuckawesome piece of hotness and hence, the no. of followers (not to mention that I am one of them). 

Facebook is different. Once I posted this on Facebook "Reached home early today from office" and bam!! 11 'likes' and 8 comments within a blink of an eye. People I don't remember adding to my friend list, people I didn't know even existed, people who have no idea how far is my home from office (just 5 mins walk, btw), and people who just like everything I post, they are all there for support. No matter what I do on Facebook, there is someone always there to like it. Reminds me of maa. I come home early, come late, fail an exam, top one, get into a fight with someone, give peace lessons in school, it does not matter. She loves me irrespective of what I am, what I could have been, what I can be or even if I become a member of Al-Qaeda (to fellow bloggers, see this is how SEO works). No, not Al-Qaeda, that was just too much. 

Your mom sets short term goals for you; that, you get through your day happily and sleep well at night is her major concern every single day. Facebook wants that for you too. Their whole business model is to convince people that "You don't know how many friends you have, we know it better". So, friends you may know, friends of friends you may know, photographs your friends commented on, photographs they did not comment on but should have, Facebook gives you all. Kind of like your mom sending you pics of random girls some random people suggested to her, hoping you'd just look at one of them and say "here it is, future Mrs. ____" !! 

My dad is the complete opposite. He is like a boys' hostel warden who'd never let any girl walk into the hostel. Ever. And for all my friends he does not like there's an altogether different plan. "He who comes back after being thrown out of the house insulted, is a real friend", thats his theory. Beat that now. A perfect recipe for a tragic childhood. That's what Twitter does to you too, it puts you in an auto-screening mode where you end up following people that your dad would have wanted you to. No bullshitting around whatsoever. Twitter has a long term plan for you. It says "Nothing comes in this world for free, not even followers. Improvement is the key". All a dad ever wants for his son is a little hope; hope, that one day his son will be the Greatest in some field. Not a bad thought actually, but look at me, do I look like I could ever be the greatest in anything except, if given a chance, sleeping. Clearly, my dad does not have realistic goals. 

My mom isn't a realist either. She is a believer. "Bhagwan me vishwas rakho" is like one of her favorite lines. Believes what she has to believe in. Thinks that I am the most intelligent/handsome/creative/funny guy in my whole group of friends but sometimes I am just not working to my potential. That's the world she lives and believes in. At times I want to live in that world too. That is when I log on to Facebook. Chat with someone, look into few videos copied from youtube all of them titled 'funniest video ever', browse though friend's honeymoon pics, post which is a period of ROFLMAOing for while (If collated, someone can make a TV series out of all these pics 'How my friends became dads or atleast tried to!' or may be a show on AXN 'Top 50 scenes from 'THE BIG BANG THEORY'), make sarcastic remarks on some, and then log off just when it starts to become a little overwhelming. 

Mom thinks I am intelligent, Dad thinks I am going to be some day. I think, they both are wrong. Clearly, they have no idea what sites I visit the most !

Commitment Check : Failed !

"Alright then, lets meet up at 4:00", she said and confirmed our date. This was my first date since my break-up about an year back. I was a little nervous but tried to keep my calm by humming my favorite songs. Kind of a weird habit that, but true. Keeps my mind off things. I called her back again to confirm the movie she wanted to watch so I could book the tickets. "Whatever you like", she said. I don't really understand answers like these, the ones that put you in a spot. I don't even like watching movies for heavens sake and now she wanted me to guess her taste in movies. This is not going to go well, I thought. After 20 minutes or so I finally decided, Thor.

I left my place at 3:00. The multiplex is like 20 minutes from my place and I knew I'd be reaching too early there and would have to then wait. I don't know what but something still made me do it. 

'main karu to saala character dheela hai' , the song kept playing in my head for a while. Damn!, I know why, I said to myself. Last I remember, I was watching this song on TV before leaving and I guess I forgot to switch it off too. Not good, not good. She should be here any moment and I am thinking about my television. Think something else, think something else. 4'o clock, she hadn't arrived yet. I thought of getting myself something to eat. Hadn't had anything since morning that day. Some butter corn and chicken roll it it is then. I like chicken roll, except that they don't roll it anymore, It's more like a chicken sandwich now. I don't like sandwiches. Darn, focus! 

I don't like waiting for people at the first place and given the extreme heat of Delhi, this wait was both boring and exhausting at the same time. Add to that, I was kind of fidgety already that day. There was still some time for the movie. I noticed a couple standing next to me. I couldn't see the girl's face as it was mostly covered by her long black lustrous hair. Nice, overall.  A lot of other things were nice too, but lets just not discuss them. The guy I was not interesting in seeing for obvious reasons. Judging by all the nervousness in his voice that day, it could have been me for all I know. They were arguing over something, I realized. Not adhering to the social etiquettes and after a few minutes of eavesdropping I figured that the girl was not particularly happy about he-not-talking-about-marriage stuff. I was kind of enjoying it a little as Akanksha (my date) was not here yet. So I continued listening to their conversation trying to maintain a poker face all this while. I like poker too. Nice game. Strip poker is awesome. Ahhh Focus. Concentration is a bitch. 

Girl : Are you ever gonna talk about this or not ? We have been dating for like 3 years now, Amey. You freak out everytime I start this. We have to speak about this someday, don't we?

Amey : I know, I know, Sonia. And we'll speak about this when that day comes. Right now it does freak me out. I am not ready for marriage yet.

Sonia : Who is asking you to marry right now dammit ? What's the harm in talking to our parents beforehand. My parents have started looking around and I don't want to keep our relationship a secret to them any longer. But you have to speak to your parents before I talk to mine.

Amey : Why do I have to speak to my parents first ? Why, is that a rule or something ? (I don't like rules. My father like rules. My father is strict. Army is probably a good profession for him. But army families have to travel a lot and I don't like travel. I guess all is fine this way only). Please please (stresses), I don't want to speak about this right now.

Sonia : Not now, not ever. And I'll tell you what the rule is, go fuck yourself. I am leaving!. I am not in a mood now for the movie. 

Amey : What the fuck is wrong with you ?(He didn't actually say that but he should have. Anyways, I have always wanted to use this line on someone). Don't be an idiot. I am asking you to just give me some time.

Sonia : I am asking for the same, now. Take you time and call me only when you are ready to speak about this and when you are sure we have a future together. I need a break. 

Amey : Sonia, don't do this. All I am saying is .......................

Someone kept calling my name.... Amey...Amey..Amey!!!... It was Akanksha. She was there. She looked beautiful. I told her that. She smiled, held my hand and we went in for the movie. 

Find me if you can !!

About a year back one of my friends (let’s call him X) was going through a really bad phase. 180 phase difference to be exact. Imagine, he tried drawing a right angled triangle once and it turned out to be a left angled one. Wtf? This has got to hurt man. It is rare to find people in such bad shape. All this came as a bummer to him and he decided not to indulge himself in drawing any kind of trigonometric shapes whatsoever. He worked in an interior design company ‘Tri-Go Private Limited’ their tagline is ‘we draw your lines’ (this one is for the trivia freaks). ‘Right angled triangles could sometimes be a two edged sword, it hurts when it doesn’t turn out right’, said the company HR.

‘X’, feeling humiliated after the incident decided to quit the company and start something on his own. But due to his prior commitment to the company and having had signed the lifetime bond, he unfortunately could not quit. The company, however, well verse with the mental pressure people goes through in this business, decided to give him a raise for his dedication towards the company in all these years. His in-hand salary was then made a function of the salaries of the next two highest stakeholders in the company. Let’s call them Y (male) & Z (female).

                        ______________________

X (salary) =  _/ Y (salary)^2 + Z (salary)^2

** C is the performance index. See diagram for details

  

                                   

                                 

With an exponential increase in his salary component, he suddenly became one of the most sought after commodity in the office by the fairer sex. Soon enough he was bestowed upon with the pleasures of having a girlfriend. ‘Z’- The Girlfriend (apparently was the next highest salary drawer in the company after ‘X’). The love was in the air. Everything was going just perfect until one day; X made a homemade video- MMS (which Z didn’t know of) and floated it around. The MMS was named ‘Sexy (Sec C) – X on Z!!

Z, understandably got extremely upset after this ‘pardafaash’ incident and decided to break off the relationship. X, the hypotenuse, had the most important realization of his life after that, ‘whenever you get a chance to touch the base (here, Z), Have Fun but Do Not Advertise’.

All said and done, X was actually in love with Z. His immature behavior earlier made him do stupid things but he realized the importance of Z in his life. He proposed her and asked her to marry him. After days of introspection, retrospection, inspection, Z said ‘YES’. !!!!

A year went by; it seemed as if nothing can now go wrong. But just like in any ‘Abbas Mastan’ starrer, it did. One day X left for office in the morning but never came back. Nobody knows where he went or what happened? X, just went missing.

“He always preferred Sec C and never, never ever (*insert magarmachh ke aansoo*), even tried Cos C (Any guesses about Z’s favorite movie? ‘ Women on Top’). We had our differences over the issue but never so intense that it’d make him do this “, said Z after being investigated by the CID inspector Daya and ACP Pradyuman.

Y (X’s best friend and colleague) said “I have always had my doubts regarding Z’s intention behind marrying X. She convinced X to transfer most of his property to her name after the marriage and the rest was anyways supposed to come to her according to the will (as revealed by X’s lawyer upon investigation by ‘darwaza tod do a.k.a Inspector Daya), which by the way is not less by any standards. And after that whole MMS scandal, this almost looks like revenge”. --- I quote Verbatim, believe the source at your own peril.

                                

It’s been a few months now and the police have not been able to trace any lead. I, hereby, would request the whole nation (school, colleges, students, teachers, politicians, farmers, cricketers etc.) to unite and provide their support in finding X.

Someone please FIND X!!!

An infinite loop with a loop hole !

Life is tough. I know that. I plan accordingly. What do I plan ? Well, I drink beer. WTF? you may ask. You must I say. I have seen people plan. What happens? Shit happens. So I plan to spoil myself in the process. What process ? The process is the plan, you jackass. It's a plan where I plan the processes and you, you fucking process the plans that I plan. Do I sound like Joseph Heller? Not yet. Right. Because he is a fucking genius when it comes to repetitive repetition. Read Catch-22 I say. Read it now. Go to the book store, buy that fuckawesome book and read it I say. But why in hell should you listen to me, right ? You are a genius yourself, aren't you ? But you self proclaimed one-of-a-kind-sonovabitch-genius, listen to me now. Stand up from that bean bag, wear some proper clothes you wannabe Charlie Sheen, and go to the book store and buy that fucking book. 

What? You don't know Charlie Sheen ? That 'Two-and-a-half-men' guy you dammit. The one who opens the door when your mother rings the bell. You don't fucking know about the bell either, do you ? You son-of-a-bitch, you bell-fucker-mother-son, you retarded bastard. I am telling you, Read That Book ! 

But life is so complicated. How are we supposed to handle all this crap simultaneously man ? Do I see that happening, I don't. Why don't I ?, you may ask. But you ask so many fucking questions, you crapper. You shit all over my already crapped over life and now you ask me all these fucking questions, huh ? What's up with that, you bastardical shit. I, actually, don't mind questions. What I mind is the answers. Answers are like life. They are complicated. They are so complicated that they remind me of your life running in flashbacks with my own life. Man, that sucks. But, what should we do ? I am busy. I don't have time to sort all this stufout. Forget about sorting this out, I don't even have time to read a book. BTW did I mention, that my favorite book is Catch-22. 

What's up with life anyways ? This thing sucks man. They don't give you beer for free, girls don't come cheap either these days, nobody read books now-a-days. I mean wtf dude ? One of my friend has a nice job, twice married, has a private bar, but that sonovabitch has not read Catch-22 yet. That is fucking complicated man. How is that freaking possible in today's world ?Impossible I say. But what I say, doesn't matter to you. Because you think you are right. Everyone thinks that way. But someone has got to be wrong. You all can't be right, can you be ? If all were right, why would life be so complicated. It's like everyone is wrong. That, is not possible either. Few are right, few are wrong. You have got to make your choices. So many fucking choices man these days, I don't even know that they are choices. I think of them as options. What is the difference anyways? WTF is happening man? Some retard ate some fucking apple somewhere and we have to answer these fucking complicated questions about life. I want to quit, but that is not even an option. 

They don't even give you all the options. They think you'll fuck with all the options and create some more. They are afraid of us. They are afraid of choices. Choices are like god. They give you options. But I still don't know the difference man. This fucking thing is like a black hole, its so fucking complicated. Sometimes I think they didn't even give any option to the black hole itself. They told him, you fucking nigger, you are black and you'll remain black forever. I feel for these holes at times. I do others, but I feel for these ones. You can't help it at times man. Everything is so blacked out. It's like walking alone at night. Just that, its so dark that you can't even walk properly, forget about reading a book. That sure sucks man. 

But I tell you one thing that I have learnt in the last few years. Eh, forget about it. You are not gonna listen to me anyways. That is how life is man. You know the questions, you know the answers. But you don't want to answer the answers because they are so unrelated to the questions most of the times. Fuck this shit man. This thing is COMPLICATED !


Read Catch-22 I say !!