A little bit of EVIL in my life!

Am I a good person? I don’t think so. Doesn’t appear like that to me. But I haven’t done much worse either. More or less it’s been a balanced life. What got me thinking though was the fuck load of a discussion 2 guys were having about Heaven and Hell on a bus journey from my one office campus to the other, sitting next to me, a few days back. But those were puerile discussions, it was like listening to Harbhajan and Sreesanth discussing rising prices of tomatoes. It was going nowhere. I didn’t gain much out of it, so I started building some blocks on my own.

Heaven, for me, is like getting into a highly reputed institute, where 85% seats are reserved for lower castes as they didn’t get enough opportunities in their lives to organize aartis, bhajans, havans and the likes. So they’d now have to do it face to face. That is, praise thy lord. Heaven, if such a thing really exists, I am sorry to be the one to bring this to you, but most of us are not going to make the cut. But, do we really need to? And if yes, what does it depend upon? I would assume it has something to do with goodness of a being.

Goodness but, is nothing more than a beautifully flawed concept. As they say, ‘the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist’’. Well, he does exist and it’s called Goodness, righteousness, morality, integrity and everything that you have ever thought of to be of any good. God, in fact, wants us to be wicked.

According to Newton’s 3^rd Law; every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And if that’s true, which I guess most people consider it to be, the chivalry, the selflessness, the philanthropy, and in fact every deed of moral righteousness and integrity that you perform attracts an equal and opposing act of loutishness, self-centeredness,  wickedness and the so called terrorist acts of the world. Actio et reactio. Now would I want this world to go through that tragedy, destruction and dismal performances by mortal beings, I ask myself? No, absolutely not! Especially when my actions determine how things pan out around me.

Just because someone lured us with the notion of heaven, doesn’t mean I go around helping strangers, be nice to them, when clearly it has dire consequences. Who knows what form the opposite reaction might take? It could take the form of a suicide bomber, although the intensity has to be the same as that of the action, so probably they’ll not blow up the twin towers, rather blow up the fictional twin towers from Lord of the Rings which would be heartbreak for millions of fans around the world. That counts for something. Right?

Not that I don’t want to be good now or that I don’t want to help people around. I do. And that is exactly why I shouldn't. Because I put something positive out there in the world, someone else has to balance it out with something completely opposite. It would make someone meaner and rude. I don’t want that now, do I? I care about the world enough to not give a shit anymore.

For every particle; there’s anti particle. For every matter; there’s anti matter.

For every girl I ever loved, I had my heart broken.

For every glorious cricket shot I played, someone tried to kill me with a fucking beamer.

For everything that you DO, there's someone who does the opposite. 

This brings us to the most important and the path breaking question of our lives. The corollary!! If every action has an equal and opposite reaction and every positive action has a negative reaction associated; then clearly, every negative action is bound to induce and stimulate a positive chain of events and actions.

Now if you think of it, it is a revolutionary idea. The more you destroy, the more people will attempt to build. The more you disintegrate and disrupt, the more people will join hands to fight it. What defines the level of positive change is directly proportional to the levels of harm done. History has been a proof of this. Crimes are single handedly responsible for most of the technological advancements in the world. It forced geeks, who retort to a laid back attitude after a minor success in the world of technology, to comeback with a brilliant idea that could fucking blow your mind. Advancements are the reaction and Criminals acts as a catalyst.

During World War II, US dropped bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and Japan surrendered on 15^th August 1945. But that is just half a story. What followed was a period of record economic growth for 45 continuous years for Japan, something that the world has never seen before. And this is just one example, there are many more. We are just interpreting the messages wrong all this time.

If an act, even though negative, can bring about a positive reaction in the world then I am going to be a part of it. And you all should be too. This is our chance to make peace in the world by destroying as much possible within our powers.

Sacrificing my own chances of a door to heaven is the only choice I have got left which my conscience would allow. My goal is as lucid as it has ever been. I can imagine the change molding into something people have always dreamt of. World Peace!  And the way to world peace is destruction. Self annihilation. Ruthlessness. Brutality. The only difference between a hero and a villain is press coverage. I am ready to take that leap of faith into the dungeon of ignorance and self loathing, just because it brings a change in your life. I don’t want the press coverage. I want change. I am going to make your life better, by trying my best to devoid you of any life whatsoever.  I am going to be your HERO and the world’s VILLAIN. I am the key that take you to heaven.

I am going to be a criminal. I am going to be a scoundrel. I am going to get EVIL. Also, they often seem to possess cool gadgets, sexy cars, girls in bikinis around, magic wands, boundless stocks of alcohol and what not. What if not Heaven? Hell is the closest thing they have got to themselves. See ya there.

There, I just killed a mosquito. Bam!

Chatting ka Punchnama

At some point or the other in life we all feel the need of standing up to what we believe and go ahead and conquer that without the fear of falling, failing or flailing. In my case, it was the feeling to stand up and choke the bloody life out of my marketing lecturer for one fucked up lecture during my MBA days. But that is just me, you see. I didn't do it, if you are wondering. Also, with time I have come to realize, it was not completely the lecturer’s fault. People ARE boring and there is no cure for that. They do wierd things; they spell ‘weird’ as ‘wierd’, but that is all part of the bigger shit that hits you when you pretend to be interested in their shit. The biggest mistake one can ever make is; pretend to be interested. Never do that. In long term, you’d want to cut yourself down to pieces for doing that. But more than anything else, I hate people who under some inexplicable peer pressure start some fucked up blog and post some bullshit where the first paragraph makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to anyone.

I am not one of them.

The purpose of this blog is to unravel the mysteries of chatting. Reason: I am a cynic. I don’t like too many friends. I like offending people. Facebook is completely fucked up. The only way I can attend to all these, is by blasting some people on internet through my blog.

So, let’s get to it.

Before I move on to the larger picture of a boy fancying his chances with a girl via online chatting and its minute details, let’s just dedicate a minute to a guy chatting with another guy; or what Zoya Akhtar would call Bromance 2.0

This is how an average conversation between 2 guys goes:-

M1 - Bhai, kaisa hai?

M2 - Bhai ek dum badiya, tu suna?

M1 – Bhai main bhi badiya.

(ek lamba sannata………..)

M2 – chal bhai main tujhe call karunga, aaram se baat karenge…chalta hu abhi

M1 – Ok theek hai, bbyee

M2( stares at ‘bbyee’ for a couple of minutes with an extremely disgusted look for the sin that M1 has committed by the mere mention of more than 1 ‘b’ and more than 1 ‘e’.

This brings us to our first rule:-

Important: For guys: Avoid saying bye, both to a guy and a girl for that matter.  If at all you feel the need for the same; restrict yourself to ‘bye’. Additional b’s and e’s are unacceptable in the online society.

Now we come to the part which chatting industry is built around, which I personally call, prepping the prospect. The points mentioned below are not suggestions. These are certain behavior patterns that I have noticed in people and my own conclusions based on them. You may disagree, but you see, I don’t generally give a fuck about what you think.

Point 1: What irritates the hell out of the other person is the initial “how are you”? If you don’t have anything better to say at first, you shouldn’t be chatting to him/her at the first place. But if you still have the khujli to do that, go to his/her Facebook account, find out the likes and dislikes or whatever, and search on the net about recent news on those topics and then ping with some interesting conversation opener.

Rule 1: Never say “how are you?” As human beings we are not supposed to worry about other people's well being. Focus on your selfish motives and carry on with your life.

Point 2: ‘Reply Time’. This is tricky business. The perfect ‘reply time’ varies from ‘immediately’ to ‘30 seconds’ (extreme case). Beyond this it is referred to as ‘dead chat’ and the person waiting now has the liberty to close the chat window and pursue further leads. Generally what I have observed is that the speed with which you reply is directly proportional to your ‘Interest Level (IL)’ in the other person and inversely proportional to the square of your ‘Successful Closure Probability (SCP)’

         Reply Time α (IL)/ (SCP) ²

Rule2: This is not a rule. This is a suggestion. ‘’Masturbate’.

Point 3: ‘Online Status’- Currently we follow these conventions; ‘Available’, ‘busy’, ‘idle’ and ‘offline or invisible’. There has already been a lot of research done regarding the first 3 statuses, if you search the net you’ll find enough if you are interested. I’ll discuss upon the last but the trickiest one ‘offline or invisible’.

Never trust the person who mostly remains on ‘invisible’ mode.

Problems:-

a) You can’t ping them. If you still do, you sound desperate

b)  When a person is online, you can easily deduce their Interest Levels by analyzing their ‘Reply Time’, which is impossible in this case. As even though you might suspect they are online, there is no hard evidence and hence no case. The other party is not liable for any emotional trauma caused.

Although exceptions are also present in this scenario. ‘Invisibility’ can often be classified as a sign of faithfulness. But this ideology is yet to be put under scrutiny and pressure situations. I have not yet reached a conclusion on this.

Rule3: Avoid chatting to people who generally stay on ‘invisible’ mode. It could mean a lot of things and in most cases, none of these things benefits you.

Point 4: Last, the world of ‘Hiiiii’, Tk Cr, Cya, C u Soon, Sleep well, Gn, smileys and lot more.

Guys while chatting don’t usually do all this. This ain’t our business. And I can say it with absolute certainty that even while chatting with a girl we don’t want to get into the trivialities of greetings and goodbyes. Personally, I hate this. If there is a possibility of seeing you soon, I’ll see you soon. Do not fuck write C U SOON at the end of every chat.

I don’t take care of myself. I absolutely don't. And I don’t even listen to my mom on this topic. What makes you think I’ll listen to you? It’s Ok once in a while but if you do it more than few notable times, you are getting blocked. If I tell you to take care, warn me. If I do it again, block. I don’t mind. But strict rules apply here vice-versa.

You get the gist right? Apply the same cynical thinking on rest of the issues and you write the rest of the article yourself. Someone just pinged me, I have to go reply.

Rule4: Nobody gives a damn about this. 


In other news: I don't like people watching TV on high volumes. If not for my flatmate doing the same right now, I'd have published the post half an hour back. Arghh!


*Added Later* 


Point 5:  Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. That’s what we have heard, and people would argue that on this very basis they can explain their respective behavior to most extents. I want to know, why has nobody ever tried to explain the behavior of a couple? You know why, because that is not fucking possible. When Mars and Venus collide; the shit it generates is equivalent to a FB status of ‘In a Relationship’. This marks the start of the most bizarre journey in a person’s life, at least as far as Chatting is concerned (that is what the post is about, remember?).

I’ll not go into microscopic details here but I would like to mention a few of my concerns here:-

      1)  WTF is a Jaanu?

    2) Jaanu, aaj kya khaaya? -> If you are concerned about my health, I’ll send you my complete medical history and will get you in touch with my family doctor, but don’t ever ask me “kya khaaya?” please. I am an IT employee; we generally eat in our office food court, Rs 40 meal (I prefer a North Indian meal, if you want the complete menu day-wise, I can arrange for that) but please don’t ask this again. We are done on this one.

  

     3) Jaanu, aaj kya pehna hai? -> Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously? What is it, some kind of virtually-simulated-sex-scene-scenario where we need to know what either of us is wearing so we know exactly what to undress? Don’t worry about that! And a conversation on this should never focus on what each of us is wearing. In fact it should be the other way round. “Aaj _____ mat pehno na jaanu, maza aayega na jaanu” (and if you are talking dirty, add as many jaanu as you want, who the fuck cares anyway)!

There is a lot of other stuff that could have been discussed here, but I am relatively less bothered by all that as of now, so I am refraining from that. If that becomes a nuisance, I’ll be back with more on this topic.

Note: Aaj maine white shorts pehni hai; grey t-shirt ke saath. Zyada detail chahiye to call kar lo.

I Like Strangers !!

I like strangers. I really do. In my list of people I like the most, I don’t even know the Top 5 ones. But they are the best. They know I don’t like talking much, so they never call. Even if I call, they act as if they don’t recognize me and then yell ‘wrong number’ a couple of times, call me an idiot and slam the phone. Classy isn’t it? I am not certain why they do that but I have a feeling it’s in my best interest.  I just love them. In fact so much that I sometimes dream about them.

I like dreaming too. Sometimes, when I am unable to sleep, I dream. Just for the heck of it you know, to piss sleep off. If I was given a choice to be in command over my dreams, you know who I’d ban from my dreams? Relatives!! - They ALWAYS ask you about the same 5 things. Even in dreams. 1) How’s health? 2) How’s work? 3) When are you coming back home? 4) Why do you never call? 5) When are you getting married? – Strangers on the other hand, take you as you are. They believe in you. They never ask these stupid questions. I’d like my relatives to meet these strangers someday. May be they’d learn a couple of things and some more.

Smile is a magnificent thing. I like people smiling. That’s why I like friends. They smile when they look at you. What I don’t like is what they do right after they smile. They come and talk. I don’t like that one bit. They come, they talk, make you feel like you are important to them, and tell their fucked up love stories, then ask whether you had lunch and stuff like that. As if you ought to know all this, always. Strangers don’t do that. They look at you, smile and move on. You see, that’s what I am talking about.

Know whom I like the most? Myself. If only Shahid Kapoor had said “main apna favorite hu” in Jab we met, I might have given you a better reference point. But anyways, I like myself. Things I do, the way I do it. What I don’t like is the fact that sometimes I am accountable to myself. I am disgusted at that. Sometimes there are situations when I am trapped between the desire to do something and the invariable internal strife from my own Tyler Durden asking me not to act on it. Just that, in this case Tyler is a fucking moral righteousness agent who makes me feel like I am some crazy evil son of a bitch. That’s why I want to move away. Like strangers do. I want to do it to myself.

I would just like to drift, shift away from myself, at a calm place, smile, dream with my eyes wide open to let the sleep fall from the corner drop by drop, taking my identity away with it, and would help me just become, A Stranger.

Marriage and Fucktardedness!

This post is for all those who recently got married or will be getting married in near future. I don't have any experience of how the mental state of a couple gets affected post-marriage but I do have some sample data collected in the last couple of years, courtesy some friends (read acquaintances) on Facebook. I have some advice to dispense here now. Not that anyone likes to be advised but enough is enough. I am tired of being dragged into your personal lives by the means of photos, updates, links, babies, photo contests and blah! Please listen to me; it’s for your greater good. 

1) Photos- We get it. You are getting married. You don't need to put up all the pics from roka to engagement, mehandi, pre-wedding, wedding, reception et all. I don't know your family and have no interest of doing so either. There is a reason I didn't come to attend the marriage. So, unless your younger sister is sexy as shit, please don't upload those mind-fucked pics. But you still won't listen, I know. Do us a favor at least. Don't just dump the whole fcuk album out there, make the effort of selecting a worthy few and then put it up you jackass.

Also, your honeymoon is your honey-fucking-moon. We know you fucked. Unless you made a tape and are willing to share, don't mess up my Facebook account with 157 photos of your trip and all of them being cheesy kinks. The sheer number of pics you guys take of yourself by that auto-click (that too in the hotel bedroom), just makes me wonder what is it that you actually got married for? Photos? Seriously?

2) The messed-up-name theory- I don't get it okay. I seriously don't. Whats up with this you take my name, I take your name stuff?. According to you, if I get married to a Priya or a Pooja, I should name myself Ankit Pooja Arora. Are you fucking kidding me? This is not all. Some of you take this even further. You dickheads decide to have common social networking accounts. Just one question here, what happens in case you guys get divorced. Who gets to keep the account? May be there’s a prenuptial agreement or something to include this, “Honey, I get to keep the kids, you’ll handle the social faux pas”.  I get the ‘love’ and all that crap people do in love. But this? Whom do you do it for anyways? Didn't you just show your love for each other by getting married? I am pissed off at this fuck-all infinitum. If you don’t see this is as sheer stupidity, then do whatever the fuck you gotta do. Wear each other's underwear for all I care. 

                                                                                                 

3) Not all kids are cute - This is not your fault actually. This is hardwired I guess. A new born baby has got to be beautiful, cute, sweet and all that, Right? Look at him, isn’t he cute?, isn’t he?- Abso-fucking-lutely (To fellow Pissed off people: The best way to diplomatically handle this situation is to say, “He/She looks just like you, No seriously, just like you”, now whatever that means). Is this not enough that we say all these nice stuff when he/she is born that you go ahead and make your kid participate in who’s the cutest contest?, WTF? I bet in future your kid will make you participate in who is more retarded, my mom or my dad contest?

But I seriously believe, it's not all your fault on this one. I mean, I have never seen someone pointing it out either. Imagine someone saying "Holy crap dude! This is your son? Jeez. He looks like shit man. I didn't know God even makes them like these anymore. How did you do it? Did you keep on changing the positions while doing it? His face looks kind of twisted man". 

4) Contests - Who the fuck are you, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Why do you keep participating in all these contests guys? If you think you are the perfect couple, good for you. Why do you need that constant affirmation from your friends on that? Bring this to an end alright. I ask this nicely because couples like to hear and believe that they look perfect together, may be you do or may be you are just fucktardically stupid. Who am I to say? I’ll pray to whomsoever required, will bribe if need be, to make you guys win if that ensures a once and for all end to this.

5) PDA - I swear on my newly bought Apple iTouch that if there's one thing I can't stand, it’s PDA! More so, if you are already married. I get it when I see a 3rd year engineering guy cozing up with a 2nd year DU chick at central park. I do. These guys are short of space. But you? You guys are married for fuck's sake. Show some decency. That's all I ask.

This is it for now. Have a happy married life.

To,

Future Mrs. Arora.

Please don't be mad at me after reading this post. I promise, I'll let you upload all these stupid pics and stuff wherever and whenever you like. I’ll change my name to Samantha, Simran, Sunita, Anita, whatever the fuck you ask. We'll name our babies (I say babies, my only wish) as derivatives of your name, so they'll automatically be cute and all that. We'll participate in all these contests too and will send requests to the complete friends list to like our entry. And last, we'll make love in that fucking central park if that’s what you want. I love you Mrs. Arora, in advance. 

Yours truly, 

Mr. (fill whatever you like) Arora

Letter to Shiv Ji (Part 2) : Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi !!

This post is a sequel to "Letter to ShivJi: Ladki Dilao" which I wrote about an year back. Those you haven't read that one, click here.

To: shiv.golibaaz@dassliya.com

Cc: krishna@BackInTheGame.com ; vishnu@identityfu**ingcrisis.com ; brahma@pervertpops.com; naarad@haraamkhori.com

Bcc : dhritrashtra@buddha-hoga-tera-baap.com; karan@trust-issues.com; shakunimama@dkbose.com; 

Subject: Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi hai (Ref: Ladki Dilao) !!

Yaar bhagwan, tum sunte to ho nahi 

Kitne mail likhu, reply karte to ho nahi 

Khud dhoondh lunga ab aur hota nahi wait

Tumhare chakkar me waise hi bahut ho gaya late

Ab tumse thodi si madat ki umeed karta hu 

Goli na dena is baar bas yahi fariyaad karta hu 

Thoda bahut samaan chahiye wo jaldi bhej do mujhe ab 

Merc ya Audi chalegi, scooter nahi chala sakta main ab 

Waise ek pasand aayi hai office me saath kaam karti hai 

Date pe chalne ke liye puchho to haye tauba raam karti hai 

Yaar suno aisi ladkiyo ko ab to thodi akal de daalo 

Main tab tak lukkho ki tarah ghoomu kuchh to karo saalo (sorry bhagwan kuchh aur fit nahi hua)

@Krishna 

Dekho bhai, tumhara bataya koi funda kaam nahi aaya hai 

Jisko ghumane le gaya tha, kamini ne bech ke khaaya hai 

Jeb me phooti kodi nahi aur bank account hai khaali

Laxmi ji se setting hai to bhejo gaddi hazaar waali

Achha ek aur baat karni thi mujhe tumse kaam ki 

Mail aayi thi "Testimonial likho" karke mujhe Raam ki

Ab mumma maanti hai unhe to ye likhna to padega 

Tum naraaz na hona warna mera BP aur badhega 

Krishna Ji Replied :- 

Teri setting ke chakkar me baalak 1-2 mujhe pasand aayi hai 

Barso se mere soone mann pe raunak phir chhayi hai 

Tu apni setting ki tension khud le ab, main to chala 

Abhi to meri bhi ho sakti hai, phir teri kyu sochu bhala 

Jaane se pehle ek raaz bata ke jaata hu 

Jitna tujhe bata raha hu, itna kisi ko nahi batata hu 

Zindagi me asli mohabbat kismat waalo ko bat-ti hai 

Ladki paisa gaadi se nahi, jigar waalo se pat-ti hai 

Funda bahut simple hai dost, ladki ko khush karne ka hai 

Phool le ke seedha paas jaane ka, aur nahi darne ka hai 

Thodi tareeef ke saath baat batane ka dil ki bindaas

Nahi maani to palat raasta pahuch jaa doosri ke paas

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Naarad forwarded the mail to ram@diwaliwala.com !! (f**k you naarad)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ram Ji Replied:

Yaar ye to badi hi galat baat hai tumhari 

Maana Sita ko nahi lagta par kuchh izzat hai hamari

Testimonial tumne nahi likhna to na likho yaar

Aise shikayat na lagao Krishna se hamari baar baar   (and now I feel bad too)

Aaj bhi Hanuman tumhare hi kaam pe gaya hai 

Main tab bhi kaha tha ki wo thoda naya hai....... time lagega

Achha suno, I don't think it's working out with Sita 

What do you suggest, bhool jaau kya purana har pal beeta ?

Dhamkiya deti hai jab bhi main Open Marriage ki baat karta hu

Raavan phir se utha ke le jaaye ab bas yahi dua karta hu (#RaavanCustomerCare)

Aur wo Testimonial isliye maanga tha, kyuki mujhe Brahma ki job ke liye apply karna hai (Brahma ji resign kar rahe hai).

Vishnu Ji Replied :-

WTF dude, didn't I mention in the last mail that I am on bench these days ? Kindly don't Cc me in any such mail again. Waise bhi kuchh kaam nahi hai, upar se mujhe ye personal issues me ghusa ghusa ke pareshaan kar daala hai.

Click here to read the next post "Reply from Shiv Ji: Ho Na Paayega!!"

Facebook is my Mom; Twitter is my Dad !

The moment I log-on to Twitter, I can hear my dad shouting  "Look at all those kids, look how many of their tweets are getting re-tweeted by people all around the world and look at you! You don't even have enough followers to begin with. Wasting life sitting in front of laptop doing nothing (I love it when my dad speaks the Twitter language). You know,  my colleague Bhatia ji tells me that her daughter has 4500 followers on Twitter". The trick now is to stop listening and think about Bhatia uncle's daughter. Partly because I have had enough of what Twitter has to say and partly because I can't tell my dad that his colleague's daughter is one fuckawesome piece of hotness and hence, the no. of followers (not to mention that I am one of them). 

Facebook is different. Once I posted this on Facebook "Reached home early today from office" and bam!! 11 'likes' and 8 comments within a blink of an eye. People I don't remember adding to my friend list, people I didn't know even existed, people who have no idea how far is my home from office (just 5 mins walk, btw), and people who just like everything I post, they are all there for support. No matter what I do on Facebook, there is someone always there to like it. Reminds me of maa. I come home early, come late, fail an exam, top one, get into a fight with someone, give peace lessons in school, it does not matter. She loves me irrespective of what I am, what I could have been, what I can be or even if I become a member of Al-Qaeda (to fellow bloggers, see this is how SEO works). No, not Al-Qaeda, that was just too much. 

Your mom sets short term goals for you; that, you get through your day happily and sleep well at night is her major concern every single day. Facebook wants that for you too. Their whole business model is to convince people that "You don't know how many friends you have, we know it better". So, friends you may know, friends of friends you may know, photographs your friends commented on, photographs they did not comment on but should have, Facebook gives you all. Kind of like your mom sending you pics of random girls some random people suggested to her, hoping you'd just look at one of them and say "here it is, future Mrs. ____" !! 

My dad is the complete opposite. He is like a boys' hostel warden who'd never let any girl walk into the hostel. Ever. And for all my friends he does not like there's an altogether different plan. "He who comes back after being thrown out of the house insulted, is a real friend", thats his theory. Beat that now. A perfect recipe for a tragic childhood. That's what Twitter does to you too, it puts you in an auto-screening mode where you end up following people that your dad would have wanted you to. No bullshitting around whatsoever. Twitter has a long term plan for you. It says "Nothing comes in this world for free, not even followers. Improvement is the key". All a dad ever wants for his son is a little hope; hope, that one day his son will be the Greatest in some field. Not a bad thought actually, but look at me, do I look like I could ever be the greatest in anything except, if given a chance, sleeping. Clearly, my dad does not have realistic goals. 

My mom isn't a realist either. She is a believer. "Bhagwan me vishwas rakho" is like one of her favorite lines. Believes what she has to believe in. Thinks that I am the most intelligent/handsome/creative/funny guy in my whole group of friends but sometimes I am just not working to my potential. That's the world she lives and believes in. At times I want to live in that world too. That is when I log on to Facebook. Chat with someone, look into few videos copied from youtube all of them titled 'funniest video ever', browse though friend's honeymoon pics, post which is a period of ROFLMAOing for while (If collated, someone can make a TV series out of all these pics 'How my friends became dads or atleast tried to!' or may be a show on AXN 'Top 50 scenes from 'THE BIG BANG THEORY'), make sarcastic remarks on some, and then log off just when it starts to become a little overwhelming. 

Mom thinks I am intelligent, Dad thinks I am going to be some day. I think, they both are wrong. Clearly, they have no idea what sites I visit the most !

Commitment Check : Failed !

"Alright then, lets meet up at 4:00", she said and confirmed our date. This was my first date since my break-up about an year back. I was a little nervous but tried to keep my calm by humming my favorite songs. Kind of a weird habit that, but true. Keeps my mind off things. I called her back again to confirm the movie she wanted to watch so I could book the tickets. "Whatever you like", she said. I don't really understand answers like these, the ones that put you in a spot. I don't even like watching movies for heavens sake and now she wanted me to guess her taste in movies. This is not going to go well, I thought. After 20 minutes or so I finally decided, Thor.

I left my place at 3:00. The multiplex is like 20 minutes from my place and I knew I'd be reaching too early there and would have to then wait. I don't know what but something still made me do it. 

'main karu to saala character dheela hai' , the song kept playing in my head for a while. Damn!, I know why, I said to myself. Last I remember, I was watching this song on TV before leaving and I guess I forgot to switch it off too. Not good, not good. She should be here any moment and I am thinking about my television. Think something else, think something else. 4'o clock, she hadn't arrived yet. I thought of getting myself something to eat. Hadn't had anything since morning that day. Some butter corn and chicken roll it it is then. I like chicken roll, except that they don't roll it anymore, It's more like a chicken sandwich now. I don't like sandwiches. Darn, focus! 

I don't like waiting for people at the first place and given the extreme heat of Delhi, this wait was both boring and exhausting at the same time. Add to that, I was kind of fidgety already that day. There was still some time for the movie. I noticed a couple standing next to me. I couldn't see the girl's face as it was mostly covered by her long black lustrous hair. Nice, overall.  A lot of other things were nice too, but lets just not discuss them. The guy I was not interesting in seeing for obvious reasons. Judging by all the nervousness in his voice that day, it could have been me for all I know. They were arguing over something, I realized. Not adhering to the social etiquettes and after a few minutes of eavesdropping I figured that the girl was not particularly happy about he-not-talking-about-marriage stuff. I was kind of enjoying it a little as Akanksha (my date) was not here yet. So I continued listening to their conversation trying to maintain a poker face all this while. I like poker too. Nice game. Strip poker is awesome. Ahhh Focus. Concentration is a bitch. 

Girl : Are you ever gonna talk about this or not ? We have been dating for like 3 years now, Amey. You freak out everytime I start this. We have to speak about this someday, don't we?

Amey : I know, I know, Sonia. And we'll speak about this when that day comes. Right now it does freak me out. I am not ready for marriage yet.

Sonia : Who is asking you to marry right now dammit ? What's the harm in talking to our parents beforehand. My parents have started looking around and I don't want to keep our relationship a secret to them any longer. But you have to speak to your parents before I talk to mine.

Amey : Why do I have to speak to my parents first ? Why, is that a rule or something ? (I don't like rules. My father like rules. My father is strict. Army is probably a good profession for him. But army families have to travel a lot and I don't like travel. I guess all is fine this way only). Please please (stresses), I don't want to speak about this right now.

Sonia : Not now, not ever. And I'll tell you what the rule is, go fuck yourself. I am leaving!. I am not in a mood now for the movie. 

Amey : What the fuck is wrong with you ?(He didn't actually say that but he should have. Anyways, I have always wanted to use this line on someone). Don't be an idiot. I am asking you to just give me some time.

Sonia : I am asking for the same, now. Take you time and call me only when you are ready to speak about this and when you are sure we have a future together. I need a break. 

Amey : Sonia, don't do this. All I am saying is .......................

Someone kept calling my name.... Amey...Amey..Amey!!!... It was Akanksha. She was there. She looked beautiful. I told her that. She smiled, held my hand and we went in for the movie. 

Find me if you can !!

About a year back one of my friends (let’s call him X) was going through a really bad phase. 180 phase difference to be exact. Imagine, he tried drawing a right angled triangle once and it turned out to be a left angled one. Wtf? This has got to hurt man. It is rare to find people in such bad shape. All this came as a bummer to him and he decided not to indulge himself in drawing any kind of trigonometric shapes whatsoever. He worked in an interior design company ‘Tri-Go Private Limited’ their tagline is ‘we draw your lines’ (this one is for the trivia freaks). ‘Right angled triangles could sometimes be a two edged sword, it hurts when it doesn’t turn out right’, said the company HR.

‘X’, feeling humiliated after the incident decided to quit the company and start something on his own. But due to his prior commitment to the company and having had signed the lifetime bond, he unfortunately could not quit. The company, however, well verse with the mental pressure people goes through in this business, decided to give him a raise for his dedication towards the company in all these years. His in-hand salary was then made a function of the salaries of the next two highest stakeholders in the company. Let’s call them Y (male) & Z (female).

                        ______________________

X (salary) =  _/ Y (salary)^2 + Z (salary)^2

** C is the performance index. See diagram for details

  

                                   

                                 

With an exponential increase in his salary component, he suddenly became one of the most sought after commodity in the office by the fairer sex. Soon enough he was bestowed upon with the pleasures of having a girlfriend. ‘Z’- The Girlfriend (apparently was the next highest salary drawer in the company after ‘X’). The love was in the air. Everything was going just perfect until one day; X made a homemade video- MMS (which Z didn’t know of) and floated it around. The MMS was named ‘Sexy (Sec C) – X on Z!!

Z, understandably got extremely upset after this ‘pardafaash’ incident and decided to break off the relationship. X, the hypotenuse, had the most important realization of his life after that, ‘whenever you get a chance to touch the base (here, Z), Have Fun but Do Not Advertise’.

All said and done, X was actually in love with Z. His immature behavior earlier made him do stupid things but he realized the importance of Z in his life. He proposed her and asked her to marry him. After days of introspection, retrospection, inspection, Z said ‘YES’. !!!!

A year went by; it seemed as if nothing can now go wrong. But just like in any ‘Abbas Mastan’ starrer, it did. One day X left for office in the morning but never came back. Nobody knows where he went or what happened? X, just went missing.

“He always preferred Sec C and never, never ever (*insert magarmachh ke aansoo*), even tried Cos C (Any guesses about Z’s favorite movie? ‘ Women on Top’). We had our differences over the issue but never so intense that it’d make him do this “, said Z after being investigated by the CID inspector Daya and ACP Pradyuman.

Y (X’s best friend and colleague) said “I have always had my doubts regarding Z’s intention behind marrying X. She convinced X to transfer most of his property to her name after the marriage and the rest was anyways supposed to come to her according to the will (as revealed by X’s lawyer upon investigation by ‘darwaza tod do a.k.a Inspector Daya), which by the way is not less by any standards. And after that whole MMS scandal, this almost looks like revenge”. --- I quote Verbatim, believe the source at your own peril.

                                

It’s been a few months now and the police have not been able to trace any lead. I, hereby, would request the whole nation (school, colleges, students, teachers, politicians, farmers, cricketers etc.) to unite and provide their support in finding X.

Someone please FIND X!!!

An infinite loop with a loop hole !

Life is tough. I know that. I plan accordingly. What do I plan ? Well, I drink beer. WTF? you may ask. You must I say. I have seen people plan. What happens? Shit happens. So I plan to spoil myself in the process. What process ? The process is the plan, you jackass. It's a plan where I plan the processes and you, you fucking process the plans that I plan. Do I sound like Joseph Heller? Not yet. Right. Because he is a fucking genius when it comes to repetitive repetition. Read Catch-22 I say. Read it now. Go to the book store, buy that fuckawesome book and read it I say. But why in hell should you listen to me, right ? You are a genius yourself, aren't you ? But you self proclaimed one-of-a-kind-sonovabitch-genius, listen to me now. Stand up from that bean bag, wear some proper clothes you wannabe Charlie Sheen, and go to the book store and buy that fucking book. 

What? You don't know Charlie Sheen ? That 'Two-and-a-half-men' guy you dammit. The one who opens the door when your mother rings the bell. You don't fucking know about the bell either, do you ? You son-of-a-bitch, you bell-fucker-mother-son, you retarded bastard. I am telling you, Read That Book ! 

But life is so complicated. How are we supposed to handle all this crap simultaneously man ? Do I see that happening, I don't. Why don't I ?, you may ask. But you ask so many fucking questions, you crapper. You shit all over my already crapped over life and now you ask me all these fucking questions, huh ? What's up with that, you bastardical shit. I, actually, don't mind questions. What I mind is the answers. Answers are like life. They are complicated. They are so complicated that they remind me of your life running in flashbacks with my own life. Man, that sucks. But, what should we do ? I am busy. I don't have time to sort all this stufout. Forget about sorting this out, I don't even have time to read a book. BTW did I mention, that my favorite book is Catch-22. 

What's up with life anyways ? This thing sucks man. They don't give you beer for free, girls don't come cheap either these days, nobody read books now-a-days. I mean wtf dude ? One of my friend has a nice job, twice married, has a private bar, but that sonovabitch has not read Catch-22 yet. That is fucking complicated man. How is that freaking possible in today's world ?Impossible I say. But what I say, doesn't matter to you. Because you think you are right. Everyone thinks that way. But someone has got to be wrong. You all can't be right, can you be ? If all were right, why would life be so complicated. It's like everyone is wrong. That, is not possible either. Few are right, few are wrong. You have got to make your choices. So many fucking choices man these days, I don't even know that they are choices. I think of them as options. What is the difference anyways? WTF is happening man? Some retard ate some fucking apple somewhere and we have to answer these fucking complicated questions about life. I want to quit, but that is not even an option. 

They don't even give you all the options. They think you'll fuck with all the options and create some more. They are afraid of us. They are afraid of choices. Choices are like god. They give you options. But I still don't know the difference man. This fucking thing is like a black hole, its so fucking complicated. Sometimes I think they didn't even give any option to the black hole itself. They told him, you fucking nigger, you are black and you'll remain black forever. I feel for these holes at times. I do others, but I feel for these ones. You can't help it at times man. Everything is so blacked out. It's like walking alone at night. Just that, its so dark that you can't even walk properly, forget about reading a book. That sure sucks man. 

But I tell you one thing that I have learnt in the last few years. Eh, forget about it. You are not gonna listen to me anyways. That is how life is man. You know the questions, you know the answers. But you don't want to answer the answers because they are so unrelated to the questions most of the times. Fuck this shit man. This thing is COMPLICATED !


Read Catch-22 I say !!