No love for you.

It’s not love if it’s not twisted. It can’t be that. Love is not a cardboard puzzle where you put in a little thought and time and it will come together like a beautiful Michelangelo painting. It’s more like a game of Tetris, the difficulty level and complexity increases exponentially as you move forward in your relationship and you can never win. It’s written that way. No one comes out a winner.

We don’t fall in love. We don’t love. No one ever has, no one ever will. We have made it the most abused word possible. I am not a cynic, but that’s that. You have got to understand that we give illogical reasons to our juvenile actions by associating it with love. We do it to free ourselves of the guilt, to maintain whatever little self respect we have got, to make sure we live another day thinking I am not all waste of a human being after all. The biggest mistake we do is that we try and define love and then we add a sense of achievement to it. It’s a degradation of your soul. This is what kills you.

You pretend to be content. You pretend to be a lot of things. The problem is everyone is pretending. This pretention has become the world we live in. You think this pretention is being made worthwhile ‘coz you are loved. We make it our reason to live when there isn’t left any. We pretend to care when every other emotion inside has dried, has given way to a pathetic little afterthought, to care.

Letter to Invigilator- Pass karwado -- Part I

To: Invigilator@aap.hi.karta.dharta.com

Cc: ChilladBoys@KamineyLaunde.com

Subject: Pass karwado

Sir,

Kaam ki baat pe aane se pehle kuchh batana chahta hu

Average sa student hu, average se kam number laata hu

Kuchh aur dost hai mere, sab mere hi jaise hai

Sabki laundo ki taraf se aapko kuchh samjhana chahta hu

Mere gang ka naam ‘chillad boys’ mashhoor hai

Zindagi ka lakshya abhi humse bahut door hai

Kuchh hi to saal hai sir hamare jawani jeene ke

uske baad to zindagi jaise ek torture-tour hai

Yaad kijiye sir wo apne sunehre college ke din

Jee na paana wo mashooka ke message ke bin

Aisi haalat me koi kaise lagaye padhai me mann

Chain nahi hai din me aur raaton ki neend gayi hai chhin.

Chhoti chooti aankhon me hamare chhote chhote sapne hai

Paper university se ban ke aata hai par invigilator to apne hai

Thode hi din me sir semester exams shuru hone waale hai

Saare exam to chhodo sir, ek me bhi paas hone ke laale hai

Is baar cheating karne dena sir please

Fail hue agar to hum sab gharo me bada bura pitne waale hai

Sir, paas karwa dena. Aapki setting wo network waali professor se pakka karwa denge.

Invigilator ka Reply

To: ChilladBoys@KamineyLaunde.com

Ek number ke harami launde ho tum saare ke saare

Ek class attend nahi kari, jaane kitne bunk maare

Par tumhara letter dekh ke meri aankh bhar aayi hai

Yaad aa gayi wo 1st year ki suppli aur affair dher saare              

Wo network waali professor kasam se hai bahut maal

Sunehri zulfen, hoth shabnami, aur gaal hai laal-laal

Usse agar setting karwadi tumne meri

Phir to tumhari distinction pakki hai chaaron saal

Par setting ke saath saath kuchh aur bhi lagega is kaam me 
Ek rangeen karyakram aur Johnny Walker ho mehfil-e-shaam me
Kuchh main bhi ji lu apni jawani beeti hui
Bheeg jaane du umar thodi ek nacheez se jaam me.

Jaao aish karo!! kaam ho jaayega>

ChilladBoyz Haraamkhori scheme

Mail forwarded to Principal@bunkerCollege.com

Sir dekha hamare college me acche Invigilator ki kitni kadki hai

Ye waala saala ek to corrupt upar se kitna tharki hai

College ki izzat ka sawaal hai sir aap kuchh kijiye

Apni jeb se haath nikaliye aur bhaag-dor haath me lijiye 

Aisi mauko pe sakht kadam lena ati avashyak hai

Aapko kuchh na soojhe to aage likhe hamare upaye pe gaur kijiye.

Main aapko ye mushkil ka upaye batata hu

Sabke dil ki baat ab aapko yahi sunata hu

Lady Professors hire karo sir usme hi sabki bhalayi hai

Sab ladko ne aaj tak sirf Network ki classes lagayi hai

Aisi 4-5 aur maal professor le aao sir bhagwan aapka bhala kare

Kisi ek se aapki setting karwa denge agar zyada dikkat aayi hai

kya bolte ho sir?

TO BE CONTINUED…..

The IT Complaint Out-Of-The-Box

I complain a lot. I do. But today it's about something far more worse than just that. It's about, well... read up!

Today I am going to share 5 of the hand-picked issues that my plaguing my company as perceived by some of my colleagues. The following points are true to best of my knowledge and I would try my best to quote them verbatim. 

Suggestion: Please do not kill yourself after this. There’s a lot more to come.

Complaint 1: The size of the coconut keeps on shrinking day by day. We deserve better coconuts for the amount we pay. The vendor has turned a blind eye to our requests and has been offering sub-standard coconuts for a few days now. As per my knowledge, the water inside the coconut is directly proportional to its softness. We request the food committee to look into the issue. 
(Are you fucking coco-nuts?)

Complaint 2:  Dear food committee, we request you to please increase the number of spoons in the food court. During the peak hours there are no free spoons and we have to wait for few minutes before we could get hold of one. While we are waiting for the spoons, the food turns cold. Yesterday because of this issue, I got late for my conference call and my manager asked the reason for being late. When I explained, he scolded me even more. This is embarrassing. Please add more spoons. 
(Have to seen Matrix? How many times do I have to tell you that “THERE IS NO SPOON!!”)

Complaint 3:  My office chair just like everyone else’s is a revolving recliner. But there’s this one issue, it makes a lot of noise when I revolve it repeatedly. This irritates the person sitting next to me and he stares at me like it is my mistake. Company should take the responsibility of ensuring that all the chairs are properly revolving and reclining without making unnecessary noises. I don’t want to be ill-treated by my fellows in office due to a noise making chair!! Please let me know whom should I contact to get this issue resolved. Thanks. 
(Ever heard of a phrase "G**nd tika ke baith jaa ek jagah?")

Complaint 4:  Yesterday, while I was going to the food court I heard 2 guys talking to each other, one saying to the other "Dekh teri bhabhi jaa rahi hai aage". I felt disgusted after  listening to such nonsense. Is this the kind of behavior we expect from our colleagues? We are educated people and we should respect each other. This should not be tolerated in office and we should have people like these fined if they are found saying such insensitive stuff about a girl. 
(This guy is never getting married, I can bet my life on that. ‘His’ should be hanged till death)

Complaint 5:  Heading: Eating habits

I don’t have any biases towards people from any state but there are certain things that pain me much. We see a lot of our own fellow employees eating Dosa with spoon, forks and knives. I mean wth? Dosa is meant to be eaten with your bare hands. This way it even tastes better. I was told by my mother in my childhood that if you eat Dosa with hands, it always tastes better and I have found that to be absolutely true. Not only these people are missing out on the perfect taste of Dosa, they are also disrespecting the South Indian culture. I don’t want to put a regional bias onto what kind of people indulge in such activities, but all of us have a fair idea. I would request everyone to please eat their Dosas with hands only. 
(Dear Sir, should I choke the bloody life out of you with my bare hands or cut your throat with a knife? Please let us know what your mother said. You should be DEXTERED!!)

* I KID YOU NOT. THIS SHIT IS TRUE.

Facebook for you, Just in case!

Welcome to Facebook. Today's agenda is to give you an educational tour on the following:-

1) Who is reading What on Washington post? And how Washington Post has become the Farmville of the Intelligentsia?

2) How many people in India are dying of hunger (Pics will be attached for added effect)? How can you help them by not wasting food? Some of these people are also suffering from cancer. You can lend support just by one 'click' on your mouse. Believe me, It works. I have tried it. We'll also take a special 10 minutes session on How to pretend to care!

3) A brief statistical journey on how many people in India are blind? If you plan to commit suicide tomorrow, make sure to pledge your eye donation first. This is very important.

4) A visual tour on How to Get Married accompanied by Pics right from 'potential sampling' to 'Honeymoon'. This can overwhelm you a little but we have pics of ugly looking missing people to bring you back to sanity.

5) If you have not bothered enough to ask your parents this since you were born, we present you a once-in-a-lifetime-oppotunity to know 'What does your name mean?'.

6) We'll also take you through some of the dowry cases and problems associated. People working in IT and have worked Onsite for an year or 2, you guys have extra cash, Help you bastards! If you don't, we'll keep showing you pics and tell you stories so you'll not be able to sleep well at nights.

7) WHY NOT TO MESS AROUND MUCH ON FACEBOOK, because there's Shiv Ji keeping an eye on everything right from the Himalayas. We have proof too.

8) Visual Representation of how Smoking is Injurious to health, just in case you have not seen the warning on the pack of cigarette ever in your life.

8) When and Who made India's national anthem as the best national anthem in the world? Mostly everything that India have, had, does, did is always the best in the world. Also, a small lesson on the difference between patriotism and being mindfuckingly Stupid.

9) We will also take you through the Facebook pics of some randomly selected people and prove that 60% of them will have a Photo Album named "Yaar Anmulle"!!

10) We'll tell you pointers about How to reply when someone just answers a question about you. This is difficult sometimes because these people are supposedly some kickass mind-readers.

11) And last would be some videos that no one was able to watch for more than 20 seconds.

Please forward this to 20 people on your friend list and you'll get the love of your life within the next 4 weeks. If you break this chain, shit hits the fan.

Happy Propose Day! IT style

Dear Love,

With respect to the High Level Requirements discussed yesterday, please find below the first draft (in points) of the proposal. Request you to go through the same and suggest any changes that you'd like before 13th Feb'12. 

1.       Only out-of-the-box functionality will be implemented and followed for the 1st year of the relationship. Any customization like 'meeting the parents' will follow the change management process wherein both parties will have the right to terminate the contract with immediate effect. In case of any such event, both parties are entitled to one last eventful night of wild sex. 

2.       Tongue is allowed.

3.      In case you decide you ‘blow’ the system up anytime, well, you are most welcome. I say, job well done!

4.     You will be provided with gifts and surprises once a month. Any further requirement will be treated on the barter system wherein you’d be required to make up for that value, in kind.

5.      Two trips are promised during this period of 1 year.

6.      You’ll not be given access to the credit card at any point in time during this year.

7.    During arguments, you are not allowed to cry. Although, you can use sex as a weapon to win arguments.

8.    We will follow the Webster’s definition of sex. Any variation from any other dictionary or custom made by your group of friends will not be accepted.

9.      No. of times in a week >= 3 (Your choice, if greater than 3, will supersede this rule)

10.   Any discussion on the topic of marriage is strictly prohibited.

11.    Alternate Saturdays will be naked Saturdays.

12.  The contract is valid only for 1 year, but a support shoulder of 3 weeks will be provided if any party finds it difficult to cope up with the change.

13.   If any party decides to break-up, a 1 month notice period will be served. During the notice period, all the above mentioned points will be followed.

14.   In case both parties are interested to continue the relationship after 1 year, a new contract will be signed.

Request you to please send in your response before 13^th Feb. This will help in deciding whether to book a table at fine dine restaurant or sports bar for 14^th night.

  

Happy Proposal Day!

Reply from Shiv Ji: Ho Na Paayega!!

Please read Letter to Shiv Ji: Ladki Dilao and Letter to Shiv Ji: Tumhare bas ki kuchh nahi before this one. 

From: Shiv.sarvshaktimaan@bhagwan.com

To: Bechara Bandhu 

Cc: krishna@ladkibaazi.com; ram.diwaliwaala@ihateraavan.com; vishnu@identitycrisis.com; brahma@pervertpops.com; hanuman@puchhwaala.com

Subject: Ho Na Paayega!! 

Beta ab to tera kuchh nahi ho paayega

Akela aaya tha duniya me akela hi jaayega

Ladki ke saamne aate hi teri seeti gul ho jati hai

Wo kitne signal deti hai par tere samajh ek nahi aati hai

Commitment ke naam se hi tujhe paseena aane lagta hai

Wo  paas aati rehti hai aur tu door jaane lagta hai

Kisi ki naak tedi hai, koi roti to koi hasti zyada hai

Ulte seedhe bahane deta hai jaise tu bada shehzaada hai

Ab ladkiya nahi banti humse low treble (trouble) aur high bass waali

Jo hai jaisi hai kaam chala, nahi hobby dhoondh le koi time pass waali

Ab aur mail na likhna mujhe main waise hi bada pareshaan hu maan lo

Parvati ne vish pi liya tha 2 din pehle, kehti “Girls are best jaan lo baat ye maan lo” #FML

Krishna Ji ka Reply:-

Oye, bahut maal hai duniya me tu ghabra mat dude

Ye Shiv pagla gaya hai, faltu me ho raha hai rude

Aankhen kamzor ho gayi thi, idhar udhar takrata girta hai

Teesri aankh gayi tel lene, filhaal to chashma laga ke phirta hai.

Tu tension na le mere padhaye paath hamesha yaad rakhna

Zindagi jeene ke liye bani hai, kar jo karna hai koi gam na rakhna

Mujhe resource management se hata diya hai aaj kal

Isliye kuchh kar nahi paaya

Nahi to tu mera favorite bhakt hai aur

Line me hoti tere liye  Shikha, Shweta aur Maaya!

2012 apocalypse prediction ki wajah se yaha mahual tense hai 

Vishnu ki fati padi hai aur Ram kehta hai ki sab non-sense hai 

Aaj kal time nahi hai kisi ke paas tumhari fariyaad sunne ka !!

Agar bach gaye to 2013 me yeh mission phir se shuru karenge! chillax ok.

Ram ji ka reply (To Shiv Ji and me) :-

Shiv, ye kya bachpana  va behudgi hai yaar

Is ladke ke letter me recommendation thi chaar

Kya main puchh sakta hu isko ab tak ladki kyu nahi di

Why this kolaveri Shiv, Why this kolaveri, di?

@Bechara Bandhu:

Jaise tumne dekha hoga ki mujhme bahut change aaya hai 

Baat karne ka dhang changed hai aur thoda fun paaya hai

Waisa hi fun main teri life me kar dunga

Shiv ne agar kuchh nahi kiya, to ann shann kar dunga!

Vishnu Ji ka reply :-

Baalak jaise ki tum jaante ho ki mere paas kuchh kaam nahi hai. Aur logo me mere baare me jaan-ne ka bhi interest ab naa ke barabar hai. Agar TV/media industry kisi ko jaante ho to Vishnu based serial ka idea pitch karo yaar please :) Thanks in advance :D

Priceless!

I had a professor once who used to speak & write in alliterations & in a language that I am supposed to believe, was English. May be he is still the same. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I hardly ever understood a word of what he said except for nouns and prepositions. Because not only he used to speak in alliterations, his fucking vocabulary could easily put even some of the most sophisticated and brilliant writers to shame. The funniest of all was when; once he attended one of our batch parties where an insignificant being like me had a performance scheduled. It all went well until the next day he stopped me on the stairs and said something, which by his expressions seemed as if he was appreciating my performance the other day, but it could easily have been the reminder that I am yet to submit my weekly assignment. What do I know?

There is a reason I am telling you all this. I recently met a girl exactly like my professor. Don't get me wrong, I am referring him only and only with respect to his obsession I explained earlier. She's a friend of mine. If not for this habit, she could easily be the perfect girl friend material. That twinkle in the eye, killer smile, nose ring, hot as shit, and horny! But damn this alliteration ruined it all. The difference this time is, I am able to comprehend what she is saying, but I don’t want to. She speaks rubbish and it's irritating. The problem is that it has gone beyond just alliteration.  Her vocabulary is far too sophisticated and extensive for my liking. When I say my day was bad, all I want is sex, not some 1100 synonyms to explain the same feeling.

(To all my younger brothers and sisters reading this, please ignore the previous sentence. We don’t do stuff like this in our family ok. We are magic people, remember? Be good. And 1 more thing, DO NOT READ MY BLOGS. It’s all a lie, just to get some followers. You will understand this when you grow up. Now go and prepare for your Unit Test tomorrow. Bye)

Yeah back to reality!

So I decided that I’ll tell her about this annoying habit of hers the next day. But, the next day, she wore this white embroidered suit with a blue stole, a clip on the hair to hold them back from one side, the other side falling over her eye which she’d fling back with her fingers ever so lightly. Ahh god damn it, here I am, came to tell her how annoying she can be at times, but falling in love instead. I couldn’t do it; couldn’t even say a word. But a solution needs to be found. And then, right at that moment, the perfect solution hit me. Ear Buds.

To take her out for a nice evening dinner & drinks: Rs 5000

To not be able to listen to a word she says: Priceless