Experiments [LIVE]

According to a recent study, it was found that 73% of the studies/findings published in the last 67 years were absurd and those research/experiments were never actually done at the first place. This is Breaking News. We can't even imagine the consequences that this would have. Forget about the consequences, imagine the causes it would have :-? (As both the writer and editor of the post I tried explaining to myself that the previous sentence is a slap on the face of my English teacher but my conscience kept reminding me of my class 7th report-card and that 'red-colored-marking'. This would be a nice return gift. Belated Happy Teacher's Day Lalitha Ma'am).

This news has affected the lives of many. Infact, one of my friends is facing an existential dilemma. Our team got in touch with him to get to the bottom of this. Excerpts :-

{
Friend : When I was young, I often asked my dad about how I was born? He always used to say that "Son, one day your mom and me were doing some experiment, which to the surprise of both of us actually went very well and after a few odd months you were born". Now, after this recent story and by extrapolating my dad's stamina during that time considering his condition in the last few years I am doubtful that experiment he boasts about was actually ever done. This brings me back to my question, How was I born ?

}

In 1961 a fashion magazine, after some research and studies, concluded in their December edition that ' Men prefers women who have bigger breasts'. In 1962, silicon implants were invented. The growth in the industry was so much so that couple of years back a leading professional from the fashion industry went ahead and said 'We should make implants compulsory'. But I guess that the bubble had to burst some day. And it did. Women around the world are now questioning the authenticity of the study done in 1961. Some have filed a petition against the fashion magazine saying that "We were misguided. We took certain life altering decision based on this study. Though they have had their fair share of benefits but these continuous back pains are just not worth all the efforts. And now since it never meant anything anyways we want our money back".

This path breaking study has revealed many a scandals and has put today's generation on the brink of being an extreme skeptic. Skepticism will now no longer be only associated with the frustrated government job professionals but would become an intrinsic characteristic in almost everyone around the world. But all is still not lost. In the words of Ambrose Bierce " It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better".  So I guess, All is well kaake, All is well !!

Au revoir !

Similarities b/w Apple Products and Girlfriends

And here it goes :-

1) You feel on top of the world when you get your first apple product and in the other case you do actually feel on top of something (don't you?).

2) Right to touch. Anyone who is not the owner or co-owner does not have the rights to be even in close proximity to both the things being discussed.

3) With reference to 'Right to Touch', you are extremely excited about the first time without much of an idea about what to do ?

4) Irrespective of how good a product you have, the one that your closest friend has looks slightly more classy.

5) As soon as a new version is launched or seen anywhere in the market, you are ready to dump the old one and run for it.

6) Both have something to do with JOBS. Some are a huge fan while some just blow him off (OMG, multiple levels of cheapness in this comment).

7) Extremely high maintenance cost involved. Only people with stable jobs ( and again ) should indulge themselves.

8) Finally, irrespective of how good the design is, the 'apple of your eye' is still half eaten.

The Randomness of a statistical self !!

According to a recent study, about 67% of the people who are not yet born will be dead by 2050. This news sent shivers down the human rights ministry who demanded their respective countries for a better average life span and decline in the mortality rate. Governments around the world are trying to explain that this is not their KRA.

This has also confused the newly married couples for the obvious reasons but condom companies are making the gold out of it with their new campaign stating ' SOS - Save our Sperms'. "The sales is estimated to increase by 300% in the next quarter" - says the CEO of Durex.

With most countries worried after this critical piece of information was published, one country that doesn't seem to be much bothered is Afganistan. Infact, the 'Happiness Index' has just gone up by 2.9% in the last 2 days. With their work cut out, and after the recent talks between Oxygen Brothers (Obama and Osama) * This lame joke was sponsored by Mr. Abhishek Sharma- director of 'Tere Bin Laden' *, the next set of BPO's will be setup in Kabul.

Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh said "We have found the solution, it's a multifold benefit campaign that we are launching 'F**k the Chinese', quite literally. The campaign is mutually agreed upon and signed. Last week we proposed the idea to the chinese government and they thought of the 2 stars in F**k as a sign of respect and admiration from India and immediately agreed and signed the documents". On probing about the logic behind this Dr.Singh said "Who wants a brown kid with slit eyes ?".

In another recent study it was found that 37% of people with less than 40 years of age by 2050 will suffer from cancer. The data from both the studies was closely studied by the data analytics companies and after hours and hours of number crunching it was concluded that somethings are better left unsaid. But given the previous trends about fewer cases of cancer in a cemetery, at least 67% not yet born people have something to cheer about.

"These research surveys have not only made it evident that we need to redesign our future set of references but have also questioned our existential design features and layouts" said the Apple CEO Steve Jobs. He also blamed the whole iPhone 4 signal reception fiasco on the fear and unpredictability in the minds of users during these prevailing crisis. According to him, no other company could ever dare to launch a product in such tense market conditions and Apple has managed to do that sucessfully. Technically, he explained about the signal reception problem, the nodes of the 'tense atmosphere waves' are at a 180 degree phase difference with the 'radio frequency' hence canceling each other out.

This is what an Apple fan said on a community forum " This is all fraud. This is Microsoft's way of getting back at Apple. They fudged all these report studies and blah blah. I will Kill Bill. ( This led to a sudden interest from the other users about the movie Kill Bill. The IMDB rating has gone up from 152 to 135 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266697/. Tarantino is inspired by this kid and to show his support for the cause has titled his next movie as 'Faster, Pussycat Kill Kill' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1276114/ )

'We-Have-A-Lot-Of-Free-Time' wing of the occult studies and histrionics department have also validated these findings. Apparently, they have decrypted the last page of the 'Nostradamus Book' and were exhilarated upon realization that it exactly matches with the findings. The department has decided to pay tribute to Nostradamus by writing an auto-biography ( ?? Autobiography?? ). When asked, they said if he was alive he'd have done the same thing. The name of this epic autobiography, as revealed by a source, would be 'Oops I did it again'-- by Nostradamus.

Someone from Bangladesh called FIFA and said ' We are now unsure whether we'd ever be able to participate in the Football World Cup, so please let us host the 2014 world cup. We have decided the official song already. It'll be called ' Dhaka Dhaka - It's time for Bangla-la-la' and have also shortlisted a couple of foreign singers ' Alka yagnik from India and Rakhi Sawant from Mars'. The official from FIFA was unaware that there's a country named Bangladesh and slammed the phone.

Break !!

Mc donalds ka burger khaate khaate
Paratho ka swaad bhool gaye
Chamach kaante ki aadat kya padi
Achaar me lipte haath bhool gaye.

Malls ki shopping kya rang laayi
Nukkad ka sunday bazaar bhool gaye
Zameer bheegone me koi kasar nahi chhodi
Par pehli baarish ki phuwaar bhool gaye.

Internet pe chatting shatting bahut
Padosi ka naam tak bhool gaye
Hum network badhane ke chakkar me
Kareebi doston ka pyaar bhool gaye.

Bado ke aage jhuk jaana to door

Hum nazre jhukana tak bhool gaye

Is kadar gir gaye apni nazro me hum

Ab to maafi ka bahana tak bhool gaye.

Yu dhundhla sa gaya hai drishya saara

Hum aaine me dikhta insaan bhool gaye

Jo bi dikha wo pehchaana na gaya

Hum apne imaan ka naam bhool gaye.

© 2009-2010 Ankit Arora. All Rights Reserved

A Speech to Remember !!

First of all I would like to thank the condom companies for their excellent product feature that highlights “96% success rate". Though only 4% help but whatever I have achieved in life wouldn't have been possible without them (I would have loved to achieve things in life without doing the effort of being born and actually doing them, but that does sound idiotic for most parts, doesn't it?). Condom companies 'Take a bow' (well NOT actually)!!

My lovely parents, people who were absolutely sure that I will make it someday, it’s them.

Then, I would like to thank all my friends who didn't actually think of me as their friend and ignored me all throughout. I wouldn’t have realized my true potential without them. It gives me immense pleasure to see you all screwed up in life and I assure you I'll be of great help to make it any more miserable.

Next is my Girlfriend, who dumped me because my "choice of colors or something like that" was unusual. Things to consider, 

1) Reason for dumping->Choice of colors,

2) Choice was not even bad, just unusual. 

Though it looks like that you dumped me, I, hereby would want to let you know that the feelings were mutual. I was anyhow too confounded with certain things like Nail Polish Removal Tips Book, Hair Straightening after Sex guidelines, Heels that make you 15 degree inclined towards the ground (Though it has its own advantages but I would refrain myself from mentioning those here) etc...The list is actually endless.

Last but not the least, I would like to thank myself as it was impossible to achieve this without my own help and desire to win and achieve something that no one has ever dared. It took me 25 years to come to a point in life where I realized I could do this. That is when I called the Guinness World guys to record the official time of my achievement.

Record: - Continuous Sleeping for 39 days and 39 minutes.

"Online Valentine's Day Party in Heaven/Hell/Whatever"

Online Valentine's Day Party In Heaven/Hell/Whatever

Sponsored by Prom-e-trick ( Arre wahi " haI haI huM CAT " waale )

Final Party Venue :- Hard Rock Cyber Cafe

Theme for the party :- "Gtalk pe machhli ki aankh phodo, apsara jeeto"

Planning, Plotting, Cribbing, Yeah Naarad-panti that is (Excerpts) :-
-------
Lakshman -> Yaar ye sita ping kar kar ke jaan khaa gayi hai...ultimate chep bandi hai...

Hanuman -> Jai Siya Raam..Main baja dunga tere kaan ke neeche..saale lukhe....Ram ji ki setting hai unhe kuchh mat kehna...aur teri bhi to bhabhi hai wo..

Lakshman -> Ghantaa...Kabhi bhai ki tarah treat nahi kiya mujhe Ram ne ...Arbaaz khan jaisi image ho gayi hai meri....Khud ke paas Sita...hame bhagwat Gita....maine to soch liya hai is baar 'Aankh phodo' main hi jeetna hai ...aur sita ki demand karni hai.

Hanuman -> Tu Ghanta saale...tera baap ghanta...tera bhai..gh..oops...galti se mistake hua robert.

--------

On the other side of this :-

Kishan Ji -> Tumhe mera ek kaam karna hoga.

Jaadu -> Dhooooooooop !!!

Kishan Ji -> Jaao aur jaa ke Brahma ji Facebook account hack karo aur unKi beti ki saari info le ke aao.

Jaadu -> Dhooooooooop !!!

Kishan Ji -> Oye dhooop ke chache, samajh me aa bhi raha hai kuchh.

Jaadu -> Dhoooooooop !!!

Kishan Ji -> Teri maaaaaa ki.....dass liya haraami ne.... ye saale Prom-e-trick waalo ne kaise kaise log hire kiye hai yaar.

-------

Post Party Issues:-

Even after having someone as credible as Prom-e-trick, some problems occurred during the event. Lets hear from the players themselves :-

Ram Ji--> Yaar mera to online teer hi nahi chala...Ganesh ka mouse kaam hi nahi kiya.

Shiv ji --> Mujhe to machhli hi aankh maar ke chali gayi...mujhe kab aankh pe maarna tha samajh hi nahi aaya...(No Instructions).

Arjun --> Main to jab nishana lagane hi waala tha...peechhe se Karan chilla pada..."Bhaag Arjun Bhaag" ...to main bhaag gaya.....mujhe to Re-Match chahiye.

Karan --> LOL. Meri to machhli pe likha tha 'My Name is Thack-ray'...meri to fat gayi.

Kishan Ji --> Main to shaanti se baitha hu tha..kisi ne bola Gopi Kishan..mujhe laga bola hai 'Go Pee Kishan'..main chala gaya...unhone wapas hi nahi aane diya. Re-match it has to be I tell you.

Spokesperson From " haI haI huM " -> Isme videshi taakato ka haath hai....ye sab Raavan aur Kans ki chaal hai ....Anywazz...the Party/competition is rescheduled to 1st April...Till then jiske paas jo hai...usi se khush raho..

© 2009-2010 Ankit Arora. All Rights Reserved

"My Name is NOT Jimmy"

A story told a million times, a mockery made a million times.

We all know how a dog exploits an innocent lamp-post day after day without showing an iota of respect ever. But have you ever imagined Why the Lamp-post never strikes back even after so much humiliation? Because all this fame and publicity that the lamp-post is getting it is because of that freaking dog, and if the lamp-post strikes back it is not good for his long term popularity concerns.

Now this story is not about any ordinary Dog and a Lamp-post. They are SPECIAL. The motive of the story is to prove that not all dogs are same, some are indeed special. Now some details :-

Lamp-post- There ain't any person who is sure about the sexual preference of this lamp-post. Some say its a Street-light. But the word is that this street never lightens up and if its a lamp-post, ironically the problem that he's suffering from is Non-lamp-postism.

The Dog needs no introduction. But I still need to reveal the identity. But Wait, lets first move to an interview between Me and apna Sallu Bhai that we did recently.

-----xx------

Me:- Sallu Bhai, I know you are doing great. So, lets directly move to the point. We were told that recently in a party 'A DOG' misbehaved with you and your cat, sorry KAT. Would you like to share your views regarding that ?

Sallu Bhai:-I have taken the matter to Aamir.
Me:- Aamir, Why Aamir ?
Sallu Bhai:- Arre Aamir ka hi kutta hai wo. And after I told him about his Dog's behavior, one thing led to another and Aamir actually beat him up. The effects are to be seen in dog's upcoming movie 'My Name is Not Jimmy' directed by none other than Mr. 'Lamp-post'.

Me: Ok. We have also heard that recently you and that dog were on the same plane and things hot a little out of control. What actually did happen Sallu bhai ?

Sallu Bhai: Bahut ho gayi bakwaas .. aur kuchh bola to khopdi khol dunga ... samjha ?
Me:- Sorry sir sorry....ho gaya mera .. chalta hu main ...

-----xx------

Now that the identity of the DOG and the LAMP-POST is clear, the only thing left to be understood is, what Aamir has to say about all this? But as usual he was unavailable for his comments. This time not because he's busy with his film but because he's being punished by the DOGGY LOVERS OFFICIAL COMMUNITY for beating up his dog. As of now he's imprisoned in a Jail which during the 1930's was a Dhobi Ghaat for the Britishers. The only thing he's asked for there is a HandyCam. He apparently wants to shoot his new film with a hand held camera and name the film Dhobi Ghaat. Mr. Perfectionist, I tell you.

Your Full of Bakar Reporter
Bechara Bandhu

Google Ads:
Karan Jo has started working on his new project "Teri Meharbaaniya" which is said to be his auto-biography. And the lead actor would be none other than " Mr Shahrukh ". The tagline of the movie is 'Dogs and Bi**hes, From Rags to Riches'.

"Letter To Shiv Ji : Ladki Dilao"

To : shiv.sarvshaktimaan@bhagwan.com

Cc: krishna.makhanchor@ladkibaazi.com, ram.diwaliwala@ihateravan.com, vishnu@identitycrisis.com

Bcc : naarad@haraamkhori.com, hanuman@jaisiyaram.com, shakunimama@bluffmaster.com, dhritrashtra@black.com

Sub: Bhagwan ek achhi ladki chahiye: kuchh karo please

Kaali maa ka pakka koi shrap hai
Nahi to apni kismat hi barbaad hai
Main diya le ke bhi dekhu to bhi nahi milti
Baakiyo ko aise de rakhi hai jaise prasad hai

Jiske ab tak samajh nahi aayi ki ye kiski baat hai
Usko to bhagwan aage bhi na mile uski yahi aukaad hai
Par mujhe to jaldi koi mast si bhijwado
Ab tak koi nahi mili, bhala kiye aise konse paap hai

Jo hame pasand aati hai cut-piece wo already booked
Jisko hum pasand hai us kalmoohi ki aankhen crooked
Ghar se zor pad raha hai bhagwan bata raha hu ab
Koi dhooan si aap hi bhejdo warna pad jaayegi gau palle ab.

Plz bhagwan kuchh karo...Reply Soon.

Krishna Ji Replied (To: All)

Ladki nahi milegi hero agar sabko aise hi pakata raha
Mere paas aana chahiye tha, 3 saal se hanuman mandir jaata raha
Chal ab tujhe ek maska upaya batata hu
Sab daudi chali aayengi aisa paath padhata hu

Jisko pasand karta hai pehle usko facebook pe add kar
Thoda thoda photo ko like aur thoda thoda chat kar
Ek din milne bula, thoda bahut ghuma aur gentleman ban ja
Phir achanak usko bhav dena band kar aur side hat ja
Phir dekh teri cut-piece kya bhaagi chali aayegi
Teri mast setting aur meri following bhi badh jaayegi

Setting ka scene chalaye rakhna par galti se kahi committ na kar jaana
Aur in sabse pehle facebook pe meri profile ka Fan ban jaana (*Sai Baba aage chal rahe hai yaar)

Aish Karo :)

Ram Ji ka Reply (To: Krishna Ji and Me)

Krishna yaar tum ab to apni aadato se baaz aao
Shareef se baalak ko ye ghinona paath na padhao
Kyu aise duniya me galeechpana badha rahe ho
Waise kam hai jo auro ko kamina bana rahe ho

Ankit Baalak

Main tumhe jaldi hi koi upaya bataunga ladki ke subject pe
Maine Hanuman ko laga rakha hai is important project pe
Abhi naya naya hai market me to uska haath thoda tang hai
Uski setting hona bhi mushkil hai jab tak uski poochh uske sang hai

Par jo bhi ho tum is Krishna ki na sunna
Facebook pe mujhse upar isko na chun-na
Meri bhi profile hai FB pe Raamu ke naam se
Kuchh log aaye chuke hai PR ki Hanuman se
Tum bhi aa jaao Fan bano aaram se
Phir karenge maza jab takrayega mera jaam tere jaam se.

Sada Khush Raho. Diwali Manate Raho (Aur kisi din mujhe koi yaad hi nahi karta...saale Dussehra pe bhi Raavan jala ke aa jaate hai, ye koi puchhta nahi ki usko maara kisne tha...huh :( ..chalo koi na, bade bade shehro me chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hai )

Click here to read the follow-up mail !! *Letter to Shiv Ji - Part -2 *!! :D


Click here for the 3rd post in the series: "Reply From Shiv Ji: Ho Na Paayega!!"



© 2009-2010 Ankit Arora. All Rights Reserved